Sunday, December 30, 2007

What Turns You... ON?

Ok, I'm more than aware that the title of this was more eye catching than not. However, rest your sexual mind at ease. I state the obvious with the most general of implications of the question, "What turns you on?" Seriously, think about it! What in life do you like? What are you drawn to? What gets you excited? What do you crave? What gets you going?

A few nights ago, I sat outside.. underneath the stars.. and did some serious reflecting on 2007. To say that a lot has changed for me throughout this year would be a giant understatement. I may in fact be on another planet all together. I've grown so much and yet, so much has yet to be explained. I feel that in due time - more things will click in my recall of whys and what ifs. Ok, forgive the tangent.. I'll get to my point. In my 2007ish thoughts... I can't help but ask myself... "Ok, what turns me on?" I'm reading a book right now and I came across an exercise that the writer used to sort through what makes her happy in her life...

I'll give you a few of my turn-ons... you do the same in your mind or on paper.. whatever. The whole point is that you take as second to look inside at yourself for once as you recognize what makes you feel alive:
-music (listening to it, singing, going to concerts, lyrics, beat)
-musicians (shows talent, dedication, good with hands.. never a bad idea in a guy)
-dance (dancing, watching/doing.. any and all kinds)
-being passionate (about the things I like, expressing myself when i desire)
-writing (my thoughts (obviously) songs/poems..)
-movies (acting, new movies/old favorites, watching a great story unfold before my eyes)
-creative projects (making things with a purpose for me or others)
-being outdoors (doing anything outside, adventures)
-randomity (living life with no expectations, welcoming in the random and going with it.. never really knowing what is going to happen until it does)
-being with my family/friends (hanging out/talking/loving)
-my faith (my faith excites me and awakens me the most out of anything on any list)
-comfortable beds (i have insomnia so comfortable beds are like a slice of heaven)
-chocolate (any and all forms.. except white)
-helping people sort out their problems (being at the heart of what a friend is: loyalty, trust)
-mentoring children (i love helping kids)
-back massages (this is something I enjoy but also has the potential to lit. turn me on)
-random acts of kindness (gosh, it feels so good when someone thinks about you and does something about it - I do what I can to make sure my friends know I don't take them for granted and strangers to.. you never know what can change a sad day into the best day ever)
-cuddling/holding hands/being held (I am a hopeless romantic)
-taking pictures (silly to serious - nice cameras or throw away kind.. all great)
-making my own fashions (I tend to throw a bunch of different styles together, it's fun)
-video games (systems to online pvp games)
-cherry coke/cheerwine (i love the taste)
-good sneakers for working out/working out/yoga (nothing beats the high of a good workout)
-my rainbows (so comfie and long lasting)
-ties/hats (i am attracted to both... don't know why, just am. the tie thing can be a guy rocking a tie and jeans, doest have to mean "dressed up" I just like ties, lol)
-laughing til it hurts (hehee)
-mixtapes/cds (the thought and result of a mix is always fun - i am a dork though)
-mocha light fraps from Starbucks (the best)
-candles (i like mood lighting
-deep conversations (we all need heart to hearts and I njoy dipping beyond surface conversation from time to time)
-making someone smile (makes me... in turn... smile)
-texting (I fell into that addiction but I'm getting much better)
-theme parks ( be a kid, just do it - there is your excuse)
-the fireball at the fair (magical experience bc it's so fun)
-california/boston/florida/new york (great places to visit)
-helping the community (how great to give back)
-pay day (come on, we all like pay day)
-eye contact/awkward moments/smirking (bc it's the little moments in life that you fall back on when the big ones consume you to the point of taking them for granted)
-nicknames (i like one-on-one connections in a friendship)
-sunglasses (bc they help you see when it's blaze'n outside)
-inside jokes (hilarious memories to keep you going)
-ice-cream (weakness... mmm)
-kissing (yep, lol)
-shoes (i like shoes.. a lot.. they excite me.. i don't like feet so i like things that cover them up)
-rd trips (never a dull moment.. esp 3 day long ones.. oh Mexico)
-my ipod (one of the greatest advancements of my generation)
-hot tubs (always relaxing)
-flash drives (help transport information, great tool)
-hello kitty (childhood innocences, i still love sanrio)
-hoodies (i always feel comfortable in my hoodie, i can hide inside it and keep warm)
-eye liner (always been a fan of eye make-up bc ive always had big eyes, haha)
-poprocks (great, always)
-romance (awwwww)
-board games (i like games/sports/anything like that.. just grew up being a team player)
-chewable mulitvitamins (bc I have to take them and I don't swallow pills well.. yay for chewables)
-sporks (the best of both worlds)
-space heaters (i would freeze at work without one)
-notecards (i tend to jot things down from time to time on them)
-Crestor (without which... i wouldn't be doing so well. This drug helps prevent me from having a heart attack)
-thunderstorms (there is just something beautiful about a thunderstorm esp at night
-99 cent pizza (again, best of both worlds)
-boys that smell good (mmmmmmmm)

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sunday Morning

I got some brkfst Saturday Morning and this song came on while I was waiting... I forgot how much I loved the mellow sound and lyrics. ex "steal some covers share some skin"
I rocked out and well.. now you can too..

Lyrics : Sunday Morning Lyrics

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

"... because Christmas is the time of year where you tell people how you feel about them..."
-Jim Halpert, The Office.

It's about that time folks....

I honestly can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve... it seriously blows my mind. I'm thinking about last year and where I was as a person and.. I've grown a lot since then. Again, grown "as a person" not in height. I'm still staggering around 5'3". Hey, good things come in small pun intended as it is the season of gifts. *giggle* <-- I had to!

Anyways, I hope that everyone has a great Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. I hope that something touches your heart in an unexpected but awesome way. Even a simple smile or a warm hug that no one wants to break. Embrace love this season. Time goes by too fast and life is too short to not notice what is important and special to you.

To say I have a lot of my mind right now could be the biggest understatement of the year but needless, I'm going home for a few days to sort out some stuff within myself. I'm dealing with a wintry mix of emotions. My heart is begging me to go one direction while my head is pleading me to do nothing of the sort.. for different reasons. Meanwhile... I'll cuddle close to blankets and sheets and hold onto these dreams...

I tripped - I stood - I stumbled - I stood - then I fell and now I can't get back up....
a part of me.... wants to keep falling.
I might be in trouble.

Saturday, December 22, 2007


Dear Mr. Matthews,
I can not tell a lie.
I honestly prefer your older albums.
My favorite would be -underthetableanddreaming-
So.. here is to better days of the band before your solo/bluegrass/not as awesome stuff came out.
Love always,

Friday, December 21, 2007

Everything Happens for a Reason


that's what I'm told


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Falling Free at Record Speed

Sometimes song lyrics say things better than I have the ability to. Here is a song written by my good friend Joe. He is doing so great in his career. You should check him out. He is amazing. His name is Joe Wilson - he is from New Jersey - he is crazy talented on guitar and lyrical content.. and.. he is a super cool guy. He was in a band called "Feeling Left Out" but now he does solo stuff.

This is my current mood/feelings. I wont give more of myself away but I'm just ready for this step and I'm scared out of my mind to take it.

If you want to hear it, go to the unoffical myspace page and click on
Keep Me Company in the music list.
Keep Me Company
if you want his real pages just search, Feeling Left Out or Joe Wilson.
Your welcome...

it's kind of like smiling
similar to a mouthful of candy
it's like 3:00 on your last day of
school it's someone else's turn to play the fool

let's take a walk and let our feet just talk
let's reach for hands and hold hips where we stand

I'd like to introduce you to my eyes
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to dive into

i've let go of the past even before you asked
to ensure this ship sails smoothly you can be the wind
and guide this ship to a safer place than this

let's speak our words and exaggerate the absurd
show me your teeth and
promise to never stop smiling

I'd like to introduce you to my lips
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to hold onto

I'd like to introduce you to my heart
it's been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have someone to write home to

it's ok if it's not a white Christmas
we can sleigh ride on the sand
we'll bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters just don't you let go of my hand

Monday, December 17, 2007

the scar remains

This weekend was fun.

Friday I had a job interview.. went well.. pretty much have it in the bag.. but I again, don't feel like it is a good idea. What is wrong with me? My mom told me that my Dad once did this kinda work and his words were, "don't ever sell when you only get commission." Well, unfortunately for me.... my Father is no longer here on this earth and I can't ask him questions. Sad.

The night got better. I went out with friends and had dinner, went to a bar, and saw I Am Legend. <-- (eh.. could've been better.. it ended to suddenly in my opinion) Either way, t'was fun times as always with the lexie crew.

Saturday I had a Christmas dinner party at my house. Yep, my house is the party house.. your welcome.. ha. It went well - I was pleased. The next party is a "Red Carpet" party. Hollywood club style.

Sunday - today - was alright. I slept half the day away.. simply because I finally had a chance to. I thought about a lot of things. Mainly the friendship that I miss so deeply. Even still, I got myself together and went to church with the bests - it was a great Christmas themed service.

Then we went to dinner - where at? - Ah yes, the place of my blog "parking lot goodbyes"
Yep, it was very painful at first. Not only that... but we parked in the same spot as the puddle of tears. One of my friends knew about it.. the other didn't - I didn't want to bring it up but when we first got there - I couldn't help but make a comment. I let it go as best as I could but it was awkward for me. Painful and a bit sad too. Then I thought to myself... look at the people you are with right now - in this exact moment.

There is a reason why I was there. Thusly proving what a rad guy told me last week... situations and people do not/will not define who I am as a person.

Needless, I focused on appreciating the people I love and had a chill time after that. A few more friends randomly showed up too.. proving more.. that I'm not alone in this.

"to love and be loved, I hope it's enough..."

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Bright Eyes

If the video is too much for you.. please at least, appreciate the song.
It is one of my all time favorite songs and I've been listening to it a lot... lately.

Good job Bright Eyes for hosting some awesome lyrics:

"So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery"

isn't that the truth. ya gotta at least know something is there bc you cant/wont wait forever.. like winning the lottery.. chances being slim to none. It's great to know you are working towards something.. yep.. good times.

can you be in love with love?


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Weight of it All

I just wanted to take a moment to thank a few of you for being awesome friends. Yesterday was a horrible day.. as much as I laugh and attempt to make the best of my conversation, it was still a rough day. There were some things/advice that I needed to hear and I got that last night. Today was not wonderful and I did spend many hours in bed... my head pounds... but.. it in no way matches the feelings of the day before. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. And as the week goes by - I will let the weekend take it's course and welcome in any new advances that may fall upon me. I climbed so far up the stairs.. just because I got knocked down a few steps doesn't mean I can't march right back up... faster.. and better.

Matt Nathanson - "Weight of it All"

I'm weak when you miss me
When you roll me on your tongue..
When you whisper me your best moves
I almost believe you
But you don't know me at all

I spent days stupid nailed to your floor
And i spent nights pushed against you
Trying to keep warm
But you don't know me at all.

Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And i'll show you hurricanes
And the way that summer fades...
Underneath the weight of it all

I'm covered by lovers,
Who recite lines
Convinced their bodies
Are gonna save mine
But you don't know me at all..

You can lift me up to put me down again

Underneath the weight of it all
...the weight of it all

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

yearbook words and parking lot goodbyes

Avoid this situation if at all possible...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

On the Verge

"I come undone, oh yes, I do.. just think of all the thoughts wasted on you. And every word you say, say something sweet... cause all I taste is blood between my teeth"
~Jack's Mannequin~

I guess it's for the best.

Wait.. does anybody ever really know what is best until best happens? I'm aware of how oddly stated that seems but you know what point I'm trying to make. Is "the best" something that comes from your personal sacrifices to reach a certain level of satisfaction? Is "the best" when you do all that you possibly can to fix something and hence you feel accomplished for your choices and steps taken.. to.. as a fun bonus.. make yourself happy within a situation?

Tonight I saw an amazing display of talent. Brilliant musicians entertained my spirit with inspiring song and praise. Makes one vulnerable to the surroundings. Emotions are interesting and I feed off of words and gestures.

There was an older couple sitting in front of me. I couldn't help but notice that in certain moments.. the man would put his arm around his mate. He rubbed her back and smiled.. almost with a sense of "the best" ... knowing that he was there for her... knowing that to her.. he was the one. She would then pull herself into him to show the same respect and love. They displayed the smallest/faintest of movement.. just so that one knew that the other was still there. If you blinked.. you would've missed it. How sweet and innocent.

How did they know that they were "the best" for each other. What hardships did they face and silent complications did they encounter before they knew that being friends, dating, getting married was.. "for the best"

Faith. Gotta love it and God.. may we all have a little of it.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

Hey Friends,

As of late, I've had the weight of the world on my bruised shoulders and the feeling is nothing sort of painful. The cut was made and for reasons beyond my control... I continue to pick at the scar. Why do we do that? Why do I try so hard? The stresser that has kicked me in the gut lately is this on-going search for my place in this World aka.. a "good" job. I was finally offered something but now I don't want it.. what is wrong with me?

*raise your glass and toast to better days gone by and better days to come* Amen.

Another more recent - frustrating, nagging, constant (etc..) neon sign in my head - deals with something that I can no longer deny. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? I am. I'm not sure how to go about figuring out what certain things mean in my life right now. I'm left with a stain of awareness that deep down in my heart.. there are certain things that mean more to me that I was allowing myself to acknowledge. I don't like to take things for granted and this process of thought helps me stay focused in such regard.

Back to the heart... here are some questions I've been pondering today.

1)At what point is it ok to put yourself out there?

2)At what point is it ok to speak up on actions and own your behavior?

3)At what point do you realize what you do reflects your intention?

4) What do you do with these new realizations?

and lastly.. no pun intended...

4)When do you just - give - up?

And here I sit and I write. Emo if you want...

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

I waited for you

as long as I could,

but I won't waste my time...

on dreams that'll

never come true.

My attempts are in vain

if you pick loneliness over love.

yah, you stole a piece of my heart...

But keep it, im done.

So read my thoughts,

from start to end,

and let them haunt your rest..

cause baby -

you missed your chance

and you'll never have it again...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Question: You know what I dig?
Fact: Holiday Movies

Here a few top favorites that Im ready to watch soon:
Christmas Vacation
Home Alone
The Grinch (Jim C version)
Christmas Story
The Santa Clause

It's times like these you want to cuddle up with a special someone, a cup of
hot chocolate, a warm blanket.. and just.. be merry.


Saturday, December 1, 2007

Jingle Bell Rock

It's that time of the year again... bring out your tacky sweaters and holiday best. Sing a Christmas carol or two and make some fresh, Christmas tree shaped cookies. Go on.. get nuts with lights and fake pine spray.


Don't get too overwhelmed with "stuff" that you forget what Christ + mas means. It is my wish for you during this season that you think about the reason beneath the holly. If you are not religious, then I encourage you to explore the possibility some. Take this time of "feel goods" and "cozy fires" being around friends/family - and think about your purpose here on Earth. Ask questions, do research - but be aware that there is more to the hustle and bustle and those late night Christmas Eve shopping sprees.

Tell people how you feel. That's what I do. I make sure that in this time of being grateful for my life and for the life sacrificed for mine - I am thankful for those that have been placed in my path. Let the cool winter breeze refresh and awaken your senses. Be free and be aware. Decorate to get you in the spirit if you need to. Drink you some eggie noggie sure, but please also take joy in the quietness of dark evenings and candle light.

Here is something else I'd like you to keep in mind.. "new years resolutions" - yep, go ahead and start making them. If you wait until the last minute - under the pressure of it all - you will probably make "impulse decisions" (you most likely.. won't stick to them) Be serious about positive changes. You don't have to compare your resolutions to anyone else and you don't even have to share them. Own your thoughts, it's your life.


Thursday, November 29, 2007

Coheed and Cambria

Friday afternoon - me and my bestest guy friend ventured out into a ghost town in NC to attend what turned out to be a kickass concert. I bought him a ticket to the show as a birthday present and the day finally arrived!

After hanging/killing time in the local stores and near freezing to death.. we were finally allowed in the doors... to partake in a very interesting night, ha.

Here is what I learned from the "crowd" before my homeboyz rocked the stage... -If you are a 60yr old hic from the back country - high/passing joints around - drunk out of your mind - rude - sweaty - and downright vulgar... PLEASE do not come anywhere near me. You are the reason I roll my eyes and bite my tongue. I appreciate the lesson in patience.. but there comes a point.. ya know? Grow up.

Now that I got that out of my system.. ha! You... just.. you had to be there to be around this group of idiots.. that's the only way you could understand! Other than being pushed and elbowed a few times - Coheed rocked my face. I also appreciated my buddy blocking half the moshers from me and helping me see the stage when I could. Yep, sucks to be short!!

We made it back, late but safe - so all is well. Now I'm ready for another show. I would love to see Bayside again or Brand New/Taking Back Sunday. I'm just "in the mood" for that style of show...

ps and fyi: taco bell is good when in starvation mode.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

teardrops on my guitar

".. the only one that's got enough of me to break my heart.."

Ever go swimming in the ocean on a nice, warm, summer day?
You feel energized and refreshed as the cool water splashes against your thirsty skin…

Ever go swimming in the ocean and the moment you close your eyes a giant wave consumes you and before you know it, you can’t breathe… your eyes burn… you taste salt and despair... feeling alone and helpless…

Welcome to last night.

I ran into several people I knew last night when I ventured out on the town. One person I had not seen in 6 years, one person I had not seen in 2 years, another a mere month or two and another friend I just saw the day before. Did I mention I was there with none of those people.. I was actually there with some people I had only met an hour prior.

An interesting night to say the least.

Something felt odd about the night, I felt strange. Well, I outta trust my gut more because
the person that is currently disappointed in me and my life.. was there. I guess I walked by a large table of people and he was in the mix. Had I known, I would’ve just stayed outside to avoid any painful emotions. I saw him on leaving. He is someone that stands out and I always admired him for being such an individual. Too bad it’s harsh right now.

I ended up sitting down with 2 guys I went to school with just to catch up. One is engaged and the other is doing well. Time slipped by me and when I checked my cell phone, the texts were nothing short of happy.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s painful and it’s sick to care like I do. Pathetic at best to allow things out of my control to eat away at my sides. .sigh.. friendship means the world to me and the thought of loss is never easy to swallow. Makes me fear ever being in that place again.. but.. sigh..

Wednesday, November 14, 2007



So my roommates and I have this thing where we like to scare each other but since Halloween ended.. we kinda stopped.. or I did.Well, my roommate Lyndsay told me that she heard strange noises coming from my room. We think someone tried to break into our house I thought she was just trying to freak me out. I walked into my room like.. "oh whatever"... didn't know she had a freaking camera on me.. and well.. you can see the rest..


Friday, November 9, 2007

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


"'s ok if it's not a white Christmas... we can sleigh ride on the sand...we'll bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters... just don't you let go of my hand"

If only life were as easy/simple/innocent as song lyrics make it seem.

Silence speaks volumes. Yes, I folded and I told.
Silence can do serious damage to your ear drums.
Maybe it's because in those moments of awkward silence.. you have no choice but to hear what is going on inside your own head. Helpless and in the zone, you are forced to pay attention to your thoughts whether you like it or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about reflection and down time but... sometimes silence is murder. At some point you have to reach within yourself and break the cycle.

I'm doing all I can to take my own advice. I'm doing all I can to be better than someone who doesn't care. I do care. A lot. I'm not afraid and yet I am terrified of breaking down my walls. My walls are built pretty high and through the years.. I become more against letting people inside the fort. It hurts to open up when you have no idea if that door will be shut in your face.

I've done the cookie cutter sweetness but sometimes the recipe calls for a lil salt and spice. Why do I word things like that? lol What I mean is.. I dance around issues in a happy-go-lucky light more than hitting such issues directly because usually that calls for serious tone and nobody wants that. Forgive me. I can't seem to shake the silence.


Monday, November 5, 2007

get down with the sickness


I'm at home today.. sick.
The mack-truck of germs hit me yesterday morning and I'm in recovery.
I've gotta get better because when I get sick.. I tend to stay sick for a long time. I have a very weak immune system. (I don't recommend that to anyone) I took a trip to for some vitamins and medicine last night so hopefully that will kick in soon and help combat the sickness.

As for now, I sit and watch abc family programing and catch up on youtube music videos.
I'm so used to waking up going to work that I did have that little kid feeling today of "being sick and staying home.. watching cartoons and the price is right" - all the things that make being sick so cool. Well, I may/may not be watching the price is right and lounging in my pjs. Just saying. I only wish my Mom was here to bring me my meds on the hour.. I tend to forget when I am supposed to take my next pill. Growing up.. good times.



Thursday, November 1, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

SC hotel?

My friend booked a hotel room at a seemingly nice hotel at the beach. She has been keeping up with people's comments on their stay.. until she came across this. Yikes and Hilarity.

"I wouldn't stay here again if they paid me! The first room we got practically got us high from the smell of pot as soon as we opened the door. The second room we got just had a very eerie feeling. Very demonic. I actually began crying cuz I wanted to leave...unfortunately it was midnight and with the lack of internet use at the hotel we didn't know where else to go. There is NO insulation in the walls, I could hear conversations in the next room over. There is NO clock in the room. If you plan on using the coffee pot they advertise to have in the room, you better bring your own coffee...they don't provide it for you. We slept with our clothes on and the blinds soon as the sun came up we hit the road. I went to bed wishing we had just slept in our car and the next day my husband said the same thing...pretty bad when we both have the same thought of wishing we had slept in our car rather than in a hotel."

*Good Luck!*


Worth the Exhaustion

".. do you think it'd be alright, if I could just crash here tonight - you see I'm in no shape for driving - anyway I've got no place to go.. "
~Gin Blossoms~

What a weekend.

Friday night was one of my bests birthdays.. needless to say.. it was a fun night! I met a lot of people as I typically try to get to know everyone around me.. at least in a quaint manner. I like socialization situations and making friends. I also like being with ppl I hold dear and I got to experience a bit of both worlds. I kept myself together... for the most part.. so I could make sure everything was cool and be there to watch after my buddy. However, by the end of the festivities I found myself lost in a slushy of everclear.
The night was filled with interesting realizations for me... I'll only touch on one of them for yah. What are the odds that I ran into someone - whom I haven't seen in a year due to the fact that I became friends with - yep - the person I was at this party for? I lessened my "friend count" by 1 best friend, 1 good friend, and 3 ppl I hung around from time to time - all because of my friendship with another person. (how pathetic and sad on their part, ha oooh well! Good to know who your real friends are, tru. We are all better off, trust) And here we are, all together again - a year later, haha. Unreal! Seriously, what are the odds? You don't even know how strange that is. It's all good tho. I was able to set some peace.. never a bad idea.

Neway, after my limit of fun was reached I realized that I wasn't the only one that reached a limit. Yep, homeboy was spent. We crashed at a friends house. I stay'd awake until I felt things were ok - then I went to bed. Sleep was mediocre at best, haha. Overall good times.. well ....except for the next morning.. yikes =p

Saturday was my Halloween Party. To say stress never entered into the planning of this event would be a lie. Decorations/food/drinks/music/inviting people/costumes/cleaning - ok. We had a lot of things to do.. and I took it upon myself to see that everything was done. That's just me though. When slack was shown I took it up for the team. Whenever I got stressed out, I just thought to myself - I'm doing this for my friends. It's going to rock. Well, everything turned out great and everyone claims to have had a blast. =) I had a grrrreat time. So many random ppl united here to watch the football game (what an upset!) as well as dress up and act a' fool with old friends/new friends/random ppl you might not ever see again but it's ok bc Thriller play'd at some point in the night so all is well in the world. Costumes were very interesting. Some were better than others and some had more class than others. You know, it's Halloween -- time to sprinkle on the smut. *stares at fishnet thigh highs on floor*

I had a blast.. except for people that had a bit "too much fun" repeating things over and over and getting up in peoples faces that they didn't know - just being awkward. Every party has a few of those I guess. Yah, a few people that are friends of my roommates - came and looked at pictures in my room. Questioned who everyone was - and I'd say "yah, she is coming or he is coming later" and from what I heard Sunday, those ppl let vague memory plague their speech to some of my friends. haha Told my homegirl that they "heard a lot about her and that they felt like they knew her" I've also heard homeboy got "so you're... i've heard sooo much about you, wait - you are ... right?" What? lol Where was I? I would've looooooved to have been like - oh really? What have you heard?!? Bc that - that would be silence from drunken tongues. NOt that I don't talk about how awesome my friends are - but not to strangers. hahaha. Well, we went to bed around 6am. Goooood Tiiiimes! Tru

Sunday involved a rode trip to Raleigh, NC for a Jimmy Eat World concert. It was off-the-chain awesome. I can't describe to you in words how awe struck I am at the total package of the show. The acoustics were amazing and the lights were timed perfectly with each beat of each cord and drum beat throughout each song. If you didn't go - you missed out! Never a dull moment or a bad song choice, they played a good mix of new and old songs. Me and the best had a greeeeat time. Of course we almost ran out of gas on a very sketchy road and were about to zzzzzzz on the rode but - it was worth it. Yes, totally worth the trip.

Now it is Monday.. I just got back from work - and yes - I am about to take a much needed nap. The hours of sleep achieved this weekend would only made you sad. haha


ps. I'll post pics later of fun times!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

State Fair 07' = A-mazing.

"We'll scream loud at the top of our lungs and they'll think it's just cause we're young...and we'll feel so alive...throw it away, forget yesterday.. we'll make the great escape.. cause we are finally free tonight" ~Boys like Girls~

Last Thursday was POP night (aka Pay One Price night) at the State Fair! Needless to say, my friends and I had been counting down the days until our turn to live it up with hundreds of our closest local friends :-D Well, the day finally came and it rocked!

There is just something magical about the Fair. The lights, the food, the rides, esp the screaming and laughing with the people you are there with. I'm not sure why it has that romantic appeal but.. it does. Don't deny it, you know it's true.. odd but true. Maybe because it's only here once a year? Maybe the romance lies in wondering if you are going to fall off of the rides bc - yes - they did put most things up in a single day. Yiiikes! However risky it may seem to put your life in jeopardy for a thrill, it is this mysterious appeal that sucks us in. We, like moths, are attracted to the Fair for different reasons. Me? I love the innocence. What do you like about it?

The most important element though - to me - is by far - who you experience the skechy atmosphere with. This year, I was with a group of such fun and chill friends that there was no room for a buzz kill. Last year could've been fun but due to circumstances beyond my control.. the night became stained with dramatics and thus left me a bit deflated by the end of the foggy night. It's hard to cut free when you are stuck in a moment of confusion and potential awkwardness. I only really knew one person and that was the person who shut down the fun.

I'm ok with it now though bc one of those ppl I didn't know that well is now one of my best friends. Not only that.. but we were able to vindicate those previous memories with new ones this year. I can't speak for him but I had a blast. It's really cool that we had the chance to go again...even though I prolly killed his sides from those gravity style rides that forcefully thrust you into whoever is fortunate enough to sit next to you, haha! Sorry Boo.. but trust, it was a great night. I mean, how many times can you.. ride the fireball, listen to a pre-recorded drum show, have a bowl of spaghetti, see Ruban, listen to Weezer on the typical hiphop music express and of course - deal with rain, learn survival tips for Swing Tower, and oh yes - the jumping every time that game went off.... ah! See - can't beat that, haha!

So, on top of that being awesome - I also experienced the Fair with another person who is also super special to my heart. Yes, BFF is an understatement. Yah, it was this time last year that we thought a bout going to see Raven <-- (yes, from That's So Raven) in concert at the Fair but we didn't make it. That's ok though because we heard it from my balcony and we were able to "chat" about "things" *laugh out loud* about the "trip" ha! Well, I barely knew her then but I can't imagine life without her in it now. Let the record show that she is the only person that I would ride the Zipper for - just saying. =) I know I'm n ot a lifetime member of the Fair like woodshed but I sure did act like it with a lil help from her! Let us not forget.. Proud Mary, the Euro slide hike, laughing in the rain, games that sound exactly like gun shots, Hey There Delilah, Stripe Shirt, Interpretive dance on the Carousal, old man electric sliding, byebye corn dog, sketMcsketch fiske fry guy, carnies, should I keep going.. bc I totally could :-D Here are some photos of the fun: enjoy :-D

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Dan in Real Life

"When people keep repeating that you'll never fall in love.. when everybody keeps retreating but you can't seem to get enough.. I have the key to your heart, I can stop you from fallin apart... let my love open the door... it's all im living for... release yourself from miesry - there's only one thing gonna set you free - that' s my love"
~Pete Townshend~
:Advanced Screenings Rule:
I suggest checking out the trailer.. it's worth it!

My heart beat anxiously alongside the main character.
It's a feel good movie. You can't lose, just do it!
Thank me later!


Monday, October 15, 2007

It's all in the Timing... or is it?

"..You'll sit alone forever if you wait for the right time, what are you hoping for? I'm here I'm now I'm ready.. holding on tight"
-Jimmy Eat World-


Movie I watched.

Ok, so it was cheesy and "tween" but it was also quite charming and semi-realistic. I enjoyed the modern twist on the classic story. Ex. The boy and girl texting and using aim as a means of communication. I grew up as an icq and aim master and though I'm shying away from it these days.. texting seems to be the new big thing and I have fallen victim the joys of sending and receiving msgs. As pointless as they might seem - there is just something fun about it. You know it's true and if you deny it - then you lie. haha Wave goodbye to the days of hand written letters, "check yes or no" It's kinda sad... I still dig the old school notes :-D

Well, the move couple fell in love even though they never "met"... or so they thought. They went to the same school and when the girl realized who the boy was... she couldn't bring herself to let him know who she was. She felt she wasn't good enough for him. Hence, she said she'd wait for the right time to tell him.. but.. she waited too long and a huge mess unfolded in front of the entire school which brought her out in an uncool fashion. Of course, they all get over it by the credits and he picks love over popularity.. yadda. But it was all about the timing. Had she been honest and upfront when the moment presented itself - she would've avoided all of that waiting and heartache. He was ready and waiting for her to reveal herself -- she hesitated even though she wanted him. What if he moved on? What if she missed her chance due to her fantasy of there actually being a "right time" -- Is there ever a right time? Most cool things I've ever experienced were random/on the spot/out of nowhere situations... but.. maybe that's just me.

My favorite quote from the movie: "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" - Baseball line applied to life.

Fear will control your life if you let it... so take a deep breath and take that risk sometimes. The greatest things in life typically take the biggest leaps of faith. Trust me. I'll relate this to "love" since a) I'm amid Wedding mania and b) this movie was a romantic comedy. If you like someone - let them know it. Don't play games. If blunt isn't your scene then at least make a move to see if the feeling is reciprocated. Don't wait for them to make a move - because they might be waiting on you to make a move and the cycle will never end! That means you are both in a state of waiting.. and yes - it is mysterious and enduring for a while but - you should know when enough is enough. Also, just because they don't make a move, doesn't mean they might not care or want to.. as we see with Duff's character in the movie. We, as humans, are curious by default but we are also deathly afraid of outcomes. We focus so much energy on the negative possibilities that we tend to forget about the chance of a life-changing awesome reality. Rejection hurts - but you've got a 50/50 chance on something amazing too. Now, if you choose to wait around and miss out on an opportunity -that's your own thing and at least you are aware of it. I'm not even talking about starting a serious to marriage relationship but - baby steps towards a greater purpose, never a bad idea if that is what you want. Again, if that is what you want.

As for me... I become shy when I feel 'a moment' presents itself. I think to myself.. "no, it's not the right time... maybe later. No - I can't let that happen so I'll just forget it for now.. no big deal.. the timing is off" Well, if not now - then when? I'm working on this one - it's difficult. I tend to downplay my feelings if I feel they are mute but you know what I've realized... I can't control how I feel and I shouldn't feel bad and you shouldn't either. I'm learning a lot these days and I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I see that more each day. I'm here and I'm ready, what are you hoping for?


Friday, October 12, 2007

I now pronounce you...

"Sing me sweet, sing me low, say you'll never let me go... cause I've gone long enough waiting for wonderful"
-Matt Nathanson-

Tonight I was granted the honor of watching two friends of mine rehearse for one of the biggest moments they will ever experience. Yes, chime those wedding bells and prepare to smile until your cheeks hurt. Someone I've known for 15 years is getting married tomorrow. She and I were never too close in lower/middle or even high school and but we became great friends during college. Hall mates/Suitmates/Roommates. AK and KP - laughter until all hours. Ok, that typically means I would jump into her room after she was trying to sleep.. just to sing some Ashley Simpson songs. Or those times that she would come to class with me bc I "could not miss" but I'd get bored alone. Random and hilarity: brought to you by Sumter survivors.

We didn't see each other much after she and her boy got serious but.. that happens sometimes. It's ok. She is happy and he is happy and I am happy for them. MFEO - Made For Each Other. Wouldn't that be cool to look at that "person" you want/have in your heart/you think about all the time/ and just say .. "You know what.. we are MFEO"

Luckily, some people sum up the courage and go for it. They did - and - I'll have the pictures to prove it after tomorrow. Love is in the air and tomorrow when it's time to dance, hold someone close and take comfort in their presence as you celebrate unity and love.... I will sit at my table and sip my wine..thinking to myself.. does someone think of me like that? Do I think of someone like that? Well..... Maybe.

*hug and a kiss*
I'm feeling rather loving right now.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Beauty in the Breakdown?

"... It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.."
-Jimmy Eat World-

Today was a day just like any other.. except for the swift, numbing and depressing moments that took my breath away..I'll put that in a way easier to grasp: Today wasn't that great. I found out some semi-upsetting news and it hurt my spirit and bruised my pride. I discovered that I had spent countless hours prepping for a reality that never would be granted to me. That moment hit me 'like a ton of bricks'... leaving me handicapped of emotion. I quickly left the environment that caused me anguish and went somewhere to process my thoughts. I wanted to be alone. Funny.....when you want to "be alone" all you actually want is someone to hold you, comfort you, hold your hand and tell you that it's going to be ok. You want 'Mommie/Daddy' to fix things and make you feel safe and warm. When did we grow up? When did we take responsibility for our hangups and heartbreaks? Do you ever miss being a child?

Well, I had comfort today but not in the form I craved deep within my soul. A beautiful butterfly decided to flutter around my Jeep... as I sat... bewildered at life and my place in this world. I watched the creature fly and carry on without a care or worry. The butterfly landed on the hood of my vehicle and I swear that time stood still. I locked into the moment - and somewhere in that time frame - I gained my self-esteem and picked myself off of the floor. Red faced and teary eyed... I laughed to myself. How could I be so broken when there is such beauty being shown to me? Like a child - I got caught up in the flight/hope of the innocent butterfly. I was reminded that we all have defining moments. Each situation/obstacle is but a stepping stone to the bigger picture of life. I must have a cool place off in the distance because I have a few stepping stones in my bank of trials. Anyway, the butterfly became so beautiful and defined after going through a long, dirty process. This must be the dirty process I am in.... but... I can't wait to be beautiful... I long for the breakthrough.

If you haven't figured it out by this point... I discovered that my loyalty, talents, and character were not exactly appreciated at a certain location of where I am bound to. Here is what I learned with the help of a few people in my life: It's Ok. I am not meant to be where I currently am.. Sure, it doesn't feel awesome but I should take excitement in this event. Yes, that only means that something even better is being created, somewhere where I will be appreciated and respected. I can't wait to discover where/what this will be -- but for the time being, I will not give up the good fight. I understand that our society is one that "pulls strings" but I'm better than that and I'll make it. I'll do what I have to do and for now, you better believe I'm going to survive.

Days like today make me really appreciate the relationships and blessing in my life. I have the best family and friends in the world. I would drop everything, in a split second - for the people and I love and I hope they know that.

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most out of everything that comes their way"
- words I try to live by-


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Dating 101 (part deux)


I'm going to pick up on those topics I left you with in my last posting. And don't worry, most posts won't be that long. I have a few people that have been waiting to read these thoughts and I'm trying to provide justice to their time spent waiting.

... here we go...

Do Looks Matter?
Honestly... attraction is awesome and definitely exciting but don't rely solely on that factor alone. Don't date someone just because they are "pretty, cute, hot.. " I see so many of my friends fall victim to this fate and they are typically left with.. nothing of any significance. Instead, seek after that person you enjoy mentally, spiritually... and I promise you that this person will also be.. to put it bluntly.. visually pleasing to your taste. If you like someone - you like them. All things should be taken into account - not just their looks. Yes, we all take looks into account - that's fine but - it is a bit messed up to base a relationship strictly on those grounds. That seems common sense to me but some people really struggle with it.

Here are 3 things that come to mind about attraction:
a) looks deceive:
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting....” - Proverbs 31:30
b) looks decline:
- age happens, life happens. No one will stay in the 'best shape of their life' forever - so - if you bank solely on looks... have fun. Love - should be the ultimate attraction and it will be when you find 'the one'
c) looks cancel out:
-ever think that someone is so beautiful until you get to know their personality... then suddenly, they are not so attractive anymore? Ever had that happen? Funny huh? How about - the more you get to know a person (who can also be beautiful) and you love them for who they are.. what they stand for.. and all of those awesome qualities on your list.. the more attractive they are to you. Yah, God knows what he is doing.

Here are some basic "tips" in Dating:

(I'm basing the guy/girl advice from things both sexes have expressed to me about situations they have been in and I have also taken into account merit from moral and the Bible)

Don't Settle

Guys: Be with a girl who respects you and who is also respected by her peers Proverbs 27:15, 21:19, 30:1. Seek a girl who has a "Servant's Heart" someone who is loving, giving and willing to help others in need.. simply because she wants to serve for a greater good. Don't settle with a random girl you meet one night just because you are feeling lonely and want a temporary fix. Don't settle for hook-ups and one-night stands just to feed your ego. Don't lower your standards to someone who, you know deep down, isn't the one and isn't going to be the one for you. Why carry around excess baggage or create emotional damage for yourself. Stay strong. Is she running the race next to you - following God?

Girls: Just because a guy asks for your number at a bar, does not mean you have to give it to him. It also doesn't mean that you have to go home with him to prove a point to yourself. As girls, we long to be included and sometimes, some take that to an extreme. If you have to visually tempt a guy for him to say loving things to you - do you think he really means what he says? Once he is turned on, I'm pretty sure you will hear everything you wanted. Is that fair to him or you? What measures are you taking to feel 'pretty/included' Don't settle for lowering your standards. Don't trap yourself with the guy who is a jerk to you, the guy who is yells at you, the guy who hits you, the guy who controls you. There is someone out there for you - just wait. You don't have to sell yourself to find him... this guy will want you for you. Great guys are out there, promise. Is he running the race next to you - following God?

Dating Advice:
-Don't mess with someones heart just to get attention.
-Not a good idea to spend your time allowing someone to pour into you if you really are not interested. If there is no hope, say it. Seriously - tell that person and be done with the confusion.
-Be honest with each other.
-The in between stage is painful and can be hurtful if you are 'playing' someone. If you think you need to talk about the relationship then you probably should - so talk and ask questions. Be on the same page.
-Don't get too psychical too quick, don't taint the relationship
-Take dating seriously just not too seriously. You are in a relationship but don't act like you're married.
-Don't mess around, it's not worth it.
-Don't push your friends away - Guys need guy time and girls need girl time. You should encourage each other to hang out with friends and have their nights with each other. You should never be with someone who will not let you hang out with your friends. Don't push away your boys or your girls - you need them.

For the One/Love/Marriage:

Guys: ways to love her: *taken straight from Midtown advice*
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church" - Eph. 5:25

-Sacrifice for her. Love her the way Christ loved us/the Church. Be willing to give up anything
for her. Your love for your wife is compared to the love of Christ and the sacrifice he made for humanity. Wow. Obviously that is a big and hard idea to swallow but aim your love for her in those regards. Step-Up and initiate things with her. Sacrifice your pride of being right all the time. Say you are sorry. Sacrifice your time for her - Cuddle with her with not alterer motives. Speak Gently to her. Don't be harsh to her - change your tone when you speak to her. (Col. 3:19) Nourish and Cherish her (Eph 5:19) Provide for her. Get a job. Nourish her spiritually and give her time and space. Cherish who she is. Plan dates for her - be creative. Have a strong foundation in your relationship with her.

Girls: ways to respect him: *taken straight from Midtown advice*
"Wives submit to your husbands"

-Trust him. As girls we tend to like to control things and plan things out in detail... let some of that go for him because he isn't wired like you are and yelling at him for not being detailed is cruel. Talk to him. Don't keep things bottled up inside. Get your feelings out. Don't wait until you explode on him for things he knew nothing about. Do not go to bed angry. (Eph 4:26) Don't get your feelings out in public. Watch the way you talk to him in public. Don't be rude/controlling/talk down to him in front of people. If you have an issue, confront him with grace when you are alone. Defend him and build him. Encourage him and build him up. Stand up for him. Forgive him for the mistakes as he forgives you for your mistakes. (1st Cor. 13:5) Don't keep a record of wrongs.

I think I'm about done:
Guys build things and fix things - so build good things and have patience when things can not be fixed right away.
Girls nourish and care for things - so love and care for things and spend time doing good and serving.

Together - boys and girls.. we were made for each other.


Monday, October 8, 2007

Dating 101: The Basics


For the past 4 weeks I have attended a life application/Church series called "Relationships for Dummies." (gotta love the title) Allow me to share with you my thoughts on that topic. Granted, you may not agree with my translations from what I absorbed over the last month but.... maybe... just maybe... something I say will help you in whatever situation you are currently in. I will address these topics from a religious standpoint with support from what I personally believe.


step one: boy meets girl/girl meets boy
step two: attraction
step three: friendship
step four: attraction grows stronger
step five: the 'what now' stage of confusion
step six: cross your fingers and ask set person out on a 'date'
step seven: now what? what do you ask yourself? what should you consider?

Here is a verse that I would strongly encourage you to consider when you are thinking about a relationship.

"Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" - 2 Corinthians 6:14

Check the website posted below for more information on what the above verse means and where the term "yoked" comes from. They break it down much better than I have the ability to:

This is a verse I learned growing up but for whatever reason, I never put forth effort into believing. I know that sounds foolish but I will be the first to admit that my heart rules over my brain at times. I fell into a comfortable relationship with someone even after one of us changed religious beliefs. I honestly didn't think that this difference would lead us into the amount of countless, circled arguments it did involving philosophy versus God. Well, guess what. That isn't healthy for the believer or the non-believer. It will tarnish your spirit and exhaust you emotionally and physically.

It honestly took hearing this verse again for it to really sink in. I went to one of my best friends for some late night, random advice and he mentioned this verse to me. Soon after this, I heard it from another best friend. Not much later, I heard this verse in Church.. t'was like God was saying to me, "Child, listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me." Alright I said, "God, you are not giving up on me and I get it. You know what is best" And yes, I felt guilty for justifying my beliefs to satisfy my desires. When you have different centers in your relationship - it will eventually catch up to you. Even if it isn't hurtful or directed, I would not wish such conflicted faith on anyone. I was never hit with sticks by the one who loved me but we were still standing on different ground. I honestly had forgotten to apply scripture in my relationship. We still respected each other and supported each other but yet... in times of those differences... yikes.

There are 3 main topics that you will face in your life pre and throughout marriage. One of those is Religion. Please don't start something that you can't finish with someone. How painful. There are a few things you've got to be on the same page about...that's just logic/common sense. If you are religious - then that will factor into everything else in your life. You should want to share your spiritually with your mate. That is such a precious and intimate part of you. You need to be supported and held accountable by your other half. You need to build each other up in your faith. Now, what if you are in love and one person falls out of faith? What if that person changes and wants to attempt the relationship again? Well, that is up to you - just be aware of what is at stake. Talk it out with pure intentions. Pray. Some situations do turn around after time, some don't. God works in mysterious ways but he will not lead you astray.

If you are not religious, you may feel neglected and left out of that spiritual relationship. You may eventually take that out on the other person. (without even knowing that you are doing it) Neither one of you deserve that. Sure, the difference can work out - anything is possible. Trust me, I've been granted talents in compassion and patience and I was fine for years. Still though, it will be lonely for both of you if you can't share that deep part of your soul. No one should have to compromise themselves in such fashion. (thanks to another friend for that last bit of wisdom)

Here are 3 notions that may help you in the dating scene:

1) Create a profile for the person you want to be with.
"Where there is no vision.. the people will perish" - Proverbs 29:18
Make a list of the qualities you desire in the person you want to be with. I'm not talking about long hair and blue eyes... I'm talking about qualities/characteristics. exs of mine would be....someone who is compassionate, a good listener, loving, giving.... yadda. You need to be aware of what you want and what you are looking for in another - a vision. The list is a good practice but don't take this 'profile' to an extreme. You will only set yourself up for disappointment. There is no perfect guy or girl out there because no-one-is-perfect. Please keep that in mind and be reasonable about your 'vision' - good luck! ps. You might just learn something about yourself and the people you are honestly attracted to during this exercise.

2) Be Patient.
Let God be God. We have got to trust him in all areas of our lives. For some reason, we think we know more than he does. We feel that we can control situations and justify situations to fit into our own will/plans. Just stop. Seriously. It's not worth your stress and time. Don't force things to happen because if it is going to happen - it honestly will happen. Trust. Have faith. Be still and wait. You will meet that person and maybe you already have. You just have to be patient with the process because you are on God's time - not yours. It will be worth the result... that is my hope.

3) Be the right person.
We fixate so much of our time and energy on finding the right person but... do you ever stop and wonder if you are being the right person? Point: Don't toy with peoples hearts and emotions. Do not let your selfish desires for attention make you a shallow person. Don't lead someone on just to make yourself feel better. Don't be the type of person that you wouldn't want to be with. Character is everything.

ex. of Character:

Song of Solomon
A married woman is talking to her husband and she tells him that his name is purified oil. Back in the day, your 'name' meant everything. Your name was what defined you. She said his 'name/character' is 'purified oil.' Purified oil was used in the Holy Temple to honor and show respect for God. The comparison is stating: he is a man of God. She is attracted to her husband because:
he is who he is,
not what he could become
or what he could change into being.

He is - a man - of God.
His character is respected and admired by his wife. How awesome.

Respect. One word - with so much merit. I'll write more on this topic in a new post.
In the next posting I will cover:
1) the differences in guys/girls
2) do looks matter?
3) what to look for in a girl - how to love her
4) what to look for in a guy - how to respect him


Friday, October 5, 2007

testing, check, check, one, two, check.

"..lend me your soul, show me what you see, let me feel what you feel, reveal your secrets to me.."
-Feeling Left Out-

Hey friends,

Consider this entry #1 in my blog!

Internet at my house has been sparsely usable at best but hopefully that is no longer the case…meaning…my blog will blast off soon!

I am a writer.
I am a thinker.
Allow me to share thoughts for you when the mood strikes.
I write about people, love, friendship, religion, and the random situations I encounter in my daily life.
Some issues fill my emotional bucket with happiness and some leave a dent in my delicate outer shell. Regardless of what happens – I am me. The things I am faced with –past and present- have molded me into the person I am today and I am ok with grasping that reality. I enjoy my character and the obstacles I conquered to help shape my personality. Live, Laugh, Love. I believe that.

I have a flaw of settling in a comfortably confused state and I am doing everything in my will to change those blurry lines of my life as I pray for clarity. Henceforth, I’m sure the first few topics I write about will cover ground of those murky areas of my life.

I hope you enjoy your time spent dipping into my world. Please feel at ease in leaving comments, they won’t go unnoticed.

(Sometimes I write on the spur of the moment aka I have moments every now and then where I type faster than I can process... so if something I write is extremely unclear to the form of gibberish, I apologize! If you are ever curious to my wordings of things or what something I allude to may be about – just ask. If I talk about ‘people’ in my life – I hardly ever name drop. If you want to know though for whatever reason, just ask and I’ll tell you on a one-on-one basis. Otherwise, let the mystery remain)