Thursday, October 11, 2007

Beauty in the Breakdown?

"... It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.."
-Jimmy Eat World-

Today was a day just like any other.. except for the swift, numbing and depressing moments that took my breath away..I'll put that in a way easier to grasp: Today wasn't that great. I found out some semi-upsetting news and it hurt my spirit and bruised my pride. I discovered that I had spent countless hours prepping for a reality that never would be granted to me. That moment hit me 'like a ton of bricks'... leaving me handicapped of emotion. I quickly left the environment that caused me anguish and went somewhere to process my thoughts. I wanted to be alone. Funny.....when you want to "be alone" all you actually want is someone to hold you, comfort you, hold your hand and tell you that it's going to be ok. You want 'Mommie/Daddy' to fix things and make you feel safe and warm. When did we grow up? When did we take responsibility for our hangups and heartbreaks? Do you ever miss being a child?

Well, I had comfort today but not in the form I craved deep within my soul. A beautiful butterfly decided to flutter around my Jeep... as I sat... bewildered at life and my place in this world. I watched the creature fly and carry on without a care or worry. The butterfly landed on the hood of my vehicle and I swear that time stood still. I locked into the moment - and somewhere in that time frame - I gained my self-esteem and picked myself off of the floor. Red faced and teary eyed... I laughed to myself. How could I be so broken when there is such beauty being shown to me? Like a child - I got caught up in the flight/hope of the innocent butterfly. I was reminded that we all have defining moments. Each situation/obstacle is but a stepping stone to the bigger picture of life. I must have a cool place off in the distance because I have a few stepping stones in my bank of trials. Anyway, the butterfly became so beautiful and defined after going through a long, dirty process. This must be the dirty process I am in.... but... I can't wait to be beautiful... I long for the breakthrough.

If you haven't figured it out by this point... I discovered that my loyalty, talents, and character were not exactly appreciated at a certain location of where I am bound to. Here is what I learned with the help of a few people in my life: It's Ok. I am not meant to be where I currently am.. Sure, it doesn't feel awesome but I should take excitement in this event. Yes, that only means that something even better is being created, somewhere where I will be appreciated and respected. I can't wait to discover where/what this will be -- but for the time being, I will not give up the good fight. I understand that our society is one that "pulls strings" but I'm better than that and I'll make it. I'll do what I have to do and for now, you better believe I'm going to survive.

Days like today make me really appreciate the relationships and blessing in my life. I have the best family and friends in the world. I would drop everything, in a split second - for the people and I love and I hope they know that.

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most out of everything that comes their way"
- words I try to live by-


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