Sunday, December 27, 2009

Fakeosity

As I sit in my hometown room at 2am.... wide awake... I look to my right and I see the sociology of law book from jr year. It's currently being used to prop up a lamp.. so I either a)felt it worthy to keep or b)couldn't sell it back to the bookstore for a worthy profit. Either way, my degree in college was focused around the study of group psychology and one of the main targets I observed dealt with behavior patterns/group health.

It bugs me to see people blatantly manipulate other people by emotional dependency desires... but at the end of the day... I hope for the best in people. You have to.

The broken world left me with this simple statement regarding fakosity*:
When there is an abundance of self-seeking motives, "people" will use their "so-called-friends" whenever necessary to achieve their goals/means.

*Fakeosity - word that I made up to describe the art of being fake -and/or - living life as a facade/charade/scam.

Ironically, nearby my socy book is an in depth study of the historical literature of the Old & New Testament. Funny how one class brought forth the problems and the other class provided the solution.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Friday, October 23, 2009

Accountability

Yes, I know.. I haven't been active in my postings in a hot while.
I'm back on the writing scene - I'll start with something short n' sweet.

Accountability is huge.
I could go on and on about how important and awesome community is but... like I said, this is short n' sweet. In my LifeGroup, one of the things we are doing is focusing on a target accountability question to ponder during the week.

Since we could all use depth in our thought life and/or questions to reflect upon.. I thought I'd share this with you.

1) Ask yourself.
2) Answer honestly.

Did you spend significant time with God through His Word, prayer, quiet time, devotions, and/or other spiritual disciplines (today/this week)? How much? How constant?
Is He your driving force?

If you struggle with intentional conversations with the people you are walking through life with - accountability questions make for great revolutions.

<3

kp

Monday, September 7, 2009

crush our pride & take our idols too.


"I don't wanna spend my whole life asking, "What if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions?" - matthew west

Our pride makes us feel like we have certain rights...
Our pride masks the grace that we got but never deserved...

So... what is your functional god?
-what do you "idolize" in your life?
-what consumes your thoughts/time?
-where do you sacrifice your energy?
-what can you "not do without?"

Don't misunderstand my thought process on this one. Please take time to recognize the blessings in your life and give proper thanks for them. Blessings are good things & heck yah, be passionate about what you are into and what God has given you! It only becomes an issue when you take those things and sit them on a throne. Yeah, it sounds a bit harsh but it's true. Turning a good thing into a God thing - always becomes a bad thing. There is a reason these gods don't completely satisfy all of your needs... it's because they can't.

<3
-kp-

Thursday, August 13, 2009

went to mexico and...


... here is my feedback.

1) Love has no language barrier.
2) The art of pure sacrifice reveals unconditional humility.
3) Respect is earned through actions more than words.
4) Compassion speaks volumes within even a glance.
5) Having your heart broken by God is something to be thankful for because it's the only way to open your eyes to the things you've seen and open your heart to the lessons you've learned.
6) Allowing yourself to become transparent to those around you 'as a family' opens beautiful doors for encouragement and guidance.
7) I am blessed and I need to evaluate what that means.
8) I am rich compared to most - so what am I doing with what I have.
9) Appreciate everything - let nothing slip through the cracks of contentment.
10)Don't waste time thinking about doing something - get up and just do it.

Love.

If you want the detailed part.. read onward.

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” – Matthew 28:19

In my obedience to follow scripture, I joined a team from Midtown and embarked on a mission trip to the Yucatan Peninsula. We spent the mornings helping to construct churches in Colonia Milagros and Rancho Viejo. Midtown has a mission partner in Mexico "Alfonso" that helped us out a TON while we were out there. We got very lucky in having the staff take us in so warmly and quickly. They rocked.

In preparing for the trip, Alfonso wrote us a letter in which I would like to share a bit of with you regarding the villages we were involved with. (in regards to their economic standing..)

“…These communities are experiencing rapid growth. In just three years the population has grown from 5,000 people to 15,000 people. The average citizen ears $30 per week – some earn much less. The government has done a poor job helping these people. They have little training, no education and there is very little social assistance to aid their desperate situations. They see incredible wealth and frivolous spending all day long, then they go home to their shack or cinder block home. Their poverty is very oblivious to them…”

We worshiped through serving as we welcomed in the surrounding poverty stricken communities. I hope that we showed them that wealth is relative bc our debt is paid in full through Jesus Christ. God already met “our” biggest need by sending His son to give us salvation through that abundance of grace. No amount of income can take that away.

We hosted a children’s camp "VBS style" during the afternoons.. and it was oh so rad. I speak little-to-no Spanish but the beauty of it all... love has no language barrier. I had the best time hanging with the kids and they never seemed to care that I couldn't speak in their language. They were awesome. Their parents were some of the most trusting parents I've ever met. They never once hesitated to let us love on their kids.

We also drove around the streets and handed out clothes to the people nearby. We went to each respected house and offered them clothing for their family. I wish I could express how it felt to see their respect, humble acceptance and tearful joy of simply receiving an old, not super attractive, t-shirt.

I know, right?
Tip: Be thankful.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

sitting at the table


"I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery"
-bright eyes-

Would you cash in your chips if you knew that you were losing?
-or-
Would you stay in the game.. sucked in from the risk of it all?

Honestly, I'd rather know that I was working towards a result than waiting around for ridiculous odds. Even still, why do I sometimes keep cards glued to my chest as if luck will manipulate the hypothetical?

Friday, July 3, 2009

i wish you well



I ran home, felt like a kid again
Like I did way back when
Eyes open wide, I came here to hide
And so it goes

Few days shy of 25
Alone again, wondering why
No one stays by my side
And so it goes

I don't wanna know what love is
I'm just trying to exist
And I'd like to think you'll be back after this
Oh but I know you don't believe it

There are pieces of you here
That just won't disappear
At least for another year
So I wish you well my friend
Cuz I know you won't be back again

I've never felt so
Half of what I am
So lights out
Lets do this again

Tomorrow's on hold
When I'm missing conversations
And coming off cold

I'll take the fall
And blame this all on me
For the sake of hiding
What created this catastrophe
Where every day's a heartbreak
And it hurts to be awake
And so it goes

You don't have to convince me
The truth is in your words
When I wake it will be me
Still being absurd
And so it goes

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

swallow the verbal vomit

The healthiest way I know to express myself is through either writing or dance and well, writing seems like the only logical outlet right now.

When I write, I have a few seconds to think about what I'm going to say before I’m caught up in a moment where verbal vomit takes the best of me. So this is for the best right now. Something happened yesterday that upon notice, made my blood burn within my core. So in the nicest way possible, allow me to cover up the sentiment as I construct this blog. I shall creatively deconstruct my thoughts in a somewhat related fashion to my motivation without being too obvious. Yes, it’s a sick art I've perfected: how I can be quite direct while being as vague as possible.

Theme 1: Terms that people should not throw around include:
Theme2: If it’s not your business, keep it that way.

Terms that people should not throw around: ANYTHING RELATIONAL WITHOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, MEANING. Empty words are like cavities to the soul. Yes, you can quote me on that. Flattery is empty and damaging to the spirit. Words of mindless gibberish quickly clutter ones perspective and that is the equivalence of taking someone and pushing them into a wall – over and over and over again.

If you do not “love” someone – do not say, hey blank – I love you.
Now, I get it – we all “love” each other – and depending on what you believe – you prob should so .. awesome.. but that’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. It sickens my stomach when I know people have been dating for like 2 weeks and they are throwing around, “I love you” like it’s going out of style. You can like someone but stop expressing/confusing that love with romantic – I could marry you – “love”

“say what you mean and mean what you say” – it’s that simple.

Someone did that to me once after like 3 weeks of hanging out and it of course -freaked me out. I turned to this random person and said, “You love me? Do you? What about me is it, what depth do you know about my life, my heart, what relationship have we developed that backs up my character – examples?” So yes, I make things awkward but I mean, c’mon.

Also, keep up with pop culture – if you are dating someone – I assume that to mean that you are in a committed relationship. We are not in the 1950’s and to court/date someone does not mean the same things today. We must be up-to-date on the lingo. If you have been on a date with someone, then it is what it is. Please don’t go around saying that you are “dating” said person if it’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario, or just don’t do it around me. Thanks in advance.

“keep it simple, stupid”

Lastly,
If it’s not your business, stop selling it.
Seriously, emotional strain cuts deeper than any knife and it painfully scars where no neosporin can touch.
GOSSIP? Kill it and walk away. THINK FOR YOURSELF. DONT DOUBT YOUR INTELLIGENCE, GROW UP.
Gossip spreads like cancer and it nearly has the same effects, so just stop. If it’s not your story, why are you telling it? Get your own. I’m not saying, don’t talk about your friends to your friends and share fun memories – I’m saying stop being malicious, immature, self-seeking, prideful, arrogant, nosey and judgmental in talking about someone behind their back.

Even if you didn’t think it was a bad idea – assume it always is and you won’t have to worry about it. **on the other side of the coin, if you hear a rumor – please consider the source. If you are ever in question of something you overhear that may involve you – contact the actual person who allegedly “said” these things. Be mature and get to the truth of the mature before you make your next move. If anything, do it for yourself.

-kp-

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Literate and Stylish


Something about this summer feels like it's time for me to pick up my guitar and start writing songs again. I miss the days where I would just sit underneath the stars... strumming out my autobiography as I took in the beauty of the night air.

So my guitar needs proper tuning but my pen anxiously awaits the page.
No, I won't post my stuff - that's creepy but from time to time you might get a glimpse.. glimpse #1

Burn

we are oh so typical in the circles we run..
i tire at the thought of long races in the sun...
where no one wins because everyone lies...
there is no truth...
just our seasoned disguise..

Saturday, May 23, 2009

I need you like water in my lungs.

..this story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear..

No matter what sheltered world you have created for yourself... you will still face a day when your world is wrecked, your day is ruined and you feel like the fates of the universe are against you. You are then left with two options.

Option one: Get over it, get over yourself, learn something.. and move on.
Option two: Sulk, complain, pity yourself, self-loathe.. and stay depressed.

Picture this: It's a crazy hot day outside and you just bought yourself the best ice-cream cone you've ever had but.. in your excitement... you dropped it! What moments ago brought you joy now brings you heartache. Your treat is now a puddle on the steaming pavement below. What do you do now? Do you say, "well that sucks, haha"
Or do you bend over and proceed to lick up the gravel stricken substance in a desperate attempt to save the misfortune that occurred?

I think most people live their lives in such a way that they are constantly staring at the ground in hopes of reversing life. Some people are so fixated on the puddle of ice-cream on the ground that they miss the nearby ice-cream truck that is giving away free cones. No amount of staring at that puddle will reverse or bring that cone back to your grasp.

advise: Stop complaining about what you think is wrong with your life. Focus on the good things that you have been blessed with. Concentrate on what you have versus complaining for what you don't. Don't sell yourself short by licking the pavement when you could just laugh and get a cup next time with hopes the fate of your next treat will result differently.

Sure, vent when venting is needed but not for vain attempts of self-worship. Seek advice for growth and perspective on how to move on in a healthy way. If you compare your life to someone else, you will never be satisfied. The grass is always greener so learn to accept the life you've been given and rock it bc the world does not revolve around you and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can learn to let go of the trivial things that weigh you down.

Not trying to be rude but:
To those people that intentionally unload their hypothetical melodramas on others for constant attention - you are like poison to me. Poison that numbs the friendship and spreads rampant through my veins and skews my view of you. I love you for what it's worth but if you attack me with your fictitious woes just for mere attention, you are poison to your own spirit and just know, there comes a point when my health can't afford to let you tangle my nerves... just for your amusement. Taking advantage of friendship just to make yourself feel better is pretty sick and I breathe a lot easier without it.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Am I correct to defend the fist that holds this pen?

Your tongue is a rudder, it steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you... come off course while you sleep. Sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.

**If you don't want to read this, don't get mad if you do**

1) Break the legs off the beloved pedestals you've built and look people in the eyes.
I'm completely ok with respecting people, having positive role models in your life and being so touched by someones existence/example that you value them at a higher cost than your average stranger. I am completely not ok with people setting such people on unrealistic pedestals and turning respect into worshiping practices of flattery in hopes of social status/networking/ego filling gain.

I feel like I see this all too often. People have lost understanding of how to go about friendships properly. Friendship stems from attraction to personality and interest in wanting to know someone better - you extend kindness and roll with it. You develop a seesaw effect of a give and take relationship for friendliness. I feel that the people who don't feel such affections reciprocated - put those they seek approval by atop of a "tower of worthiness" and henceforth, attempt to worship them in order to be accepted. It is quite frustrating to see bc these situations are not good for either party involved. The worshiper is putting their identity in an idol and the person being worshiped is either freaked out - or egocentric enough to allow it to continue when they should hopefully know better.

I have people that I respect and look up to - of course - but at the end of the day, I'm not breaking my neck to fixate on their lives. Maybe it's just me but I see a lot of this going down and it makes me sad. If you speak of your identity being in.. ex. Christ - check your heart - is it?

Next:
2) Passive-aggressive subtext
I'm sarcastic. I'm aware of this default that I so comfortably sink into. Thus, feel free to bring me out about it as I speak from both sides of my mouth on this one. Point blank: If you have something to say - freaking say it. I'm good at banter so I can pick up on this behavior and over analyze your mannerisms and subtext quicker than you are aware. Even if I'm not directly involved, it bugs me to see the merit of conversations get lost based on someones attempts of being obscure. In actuality, you are being more clear than crystal in such situations. I'm ever so guilty of covering truth with a joke or a backhanded jab via my quick wit. (most commonly when in the midst of distracting the notion of a potential conversation that I'm not prepared to have) Because being direct is something I've dealt with - I can easily spot it in someone else.

Yet, who gains anything from subtext? Why are you so afraid to be open? All it does is creates mindless overanxious concepts in someones mind that leads to various assumptions that are hardly ever the truth. I've found that a lot of people with these behaviors are insecure and are so overwhelmed with conviction/guilt/etc that they hide behind 'the mask of conversation subtext angle.' I'm someone who feeds off of impressions I get from others and if subtext takes precedent over actual conversation, not for my lack of trying, then I back off efforts bc it's clearly not my issue to take charge of at that point. You might be a coward if...

3) Actions speak louder than words because words hold no weight without motion.
Actions speak volumes. Actions give words their meaning. This relates to both of my previous rants. (esp with the passive aggressive subtext bc verbiage is only half the battle) Running away from someone and/or looking down at the ground to avoid eye contact typically means that someone is afraid/embarrassed/ or convicted of something. In those cases, why not seek redemption? Why not talk face to face and bridge the gap of dysfunction? Just as someone is constantly doing their work in the office without need for recognition - actions speaking volumes of their work ethic. Just as a mother who doesn't like to cook, provides a meal to her family every night - what an action of love.

You can determine a lot of discernment of someones character by how they live their lives and how they relate to others. Maybe because I studied this in college and I feel like I owe myself gratification for dissecting situations but... I mean.. like it or not, people are watching. If you are saying to yourself, "I don't give a crap about what other people think of me or what I do" - then you have more pride issues than you'd like to admit. The point is: if you put yourself in the spotlight of someones life - be prepared of the repercussions of undesirable behavior. Nobody is perfect - clearly, look at me if you want that verification - but based on what I notice - I am left with no choice but to express myself.

4)Practice what you preach. Me, you - everyone.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Oh Hey Perspective!

x.evaporated.x

Sudden events necessitate being out of touch and I currently face such delays in my daily existence.

"Accept things as they are and change your schedule. These things happen!"
ziiiing.

sarcasm is a crutch for the weak and sometimes I'm downright fluish.

Monday, April 13, 2009

be still and wait

Quiet subtext speaks volumes of analytical depths in times of deafening silence.

I feel that sometimes/in certain situations - words are either:
a) not good enough
b) lost in your mind
c) swallowed back into your heart

It's in moments like that when silence means everything.
And I know you know what I mean.
When your tongue goes numb and you become almost shy of language all together.

I am amazed at how loud silence can be.
There is great power in few words with exact intention.

Silence turns us inward to our thoughts and perceptions.
Insert my over analytical nature here.

As I undergo this process of patience, I pray that clarity will work it's magic like Windex on smudged glass.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday part 2.. read part 1 first.

So if you read part 1 first (which you should do now if you are reading this message first) you know I'm all about this weekend.

Bittersweet.


This weekend is also incredibly difficult for me at times.
This is the weekend that marks two deaths of two people in my family.
John Thomas Flynn. (my father)
Brady Thomas Flynn. (my nephew)

Yes, it is almost chilling that these deaths center around Easter. And for that, I have had to deal with some serious issues with God in the past. Alas, with death comes life and a new hope. It is in that I trust that they both are in a grand place where neither of their hearts will hold pain or unpleasant circumstance. Peace.

Even so.. it's hard.
Tomorrow I am going to Sumter to do help my Mom with an Easter Egg hunt at my hometown church.. then have lunch with my family and then after.. I'm going to the cemetery to visit their graves.. before returning to Columbia.
I will sit in silence and stumble upon words as no words ever seem quite right.
It is humbling.
Our time is short and when our purpose is fulfilled, we are sealed to joining Him in His kingdom.

So why are we so selfish here on earth? Because we love.

I want to encourage you to take heart in this season of your life and just really let people know how you feel about them. Be open and honest - you have nothing to lose. But if you let that moment slip away - it may be the last one that you ever have.

With death - comes new life.
Easter.
Bittersweet.

Love to the Tips of your Fingers.

make it count

Good Friday

Picture this if you will.

exhibit A: A pretty legit dude, being obedient to his Father, doing his thing - sharing this rad message of peace and love.
exhibit B: Everyone else.

So, the people in this lil area of the world... in large part.... are not ok with the power that encompasses this guy. They don't get why people believe the things he says or why people follow him around doing what this dude proclaims as truth. The people think.. "who the bleep does he think he is?.. he is NOT the king!"
Matthew 27:11

The people outside the clique want to do whatever they can to see this guy put to death. They didn't mess around back then. They want all the power for themselves. This guy is so confusing to them and yet oddly valuable and important to how the society is evolving... that even a friend is willing to rat his buddy out just for a couple bucks.
Mark 14:10-11.. so breaking.. Matthew 26:47-50

I can't imagine being this guy. Stop and think about all of the possible emotions that must be going through your head. Knowing how good these people could be or how much love they could have if they just listened. Watching them rip the flesh off of your back. Being straight-up beaten to a mild existence only to then carry a large cross... a freaking long way.. up to a place where you would then be laughed at until death overcame your body. All the while.. being mocked.
Matthew 27: 27-31

Guess what though... this guy proved all those jokers wrong.
His death had purpose and His obedience to God, brought this to light.
He did not let death overcome HIM.

Oh yes, 3 days later God was like... boom. done.
Jesus came back! Easter! WHAT?!

Ok so you can read my previous post on my feelings of Salvation but I'll touch base a little bit in this blog as well.

Jesus died a death I deserved to die for. For the sins I commit. For the sins you commit. I'm talking about the little things and the big things. With every whip across His body, with every nail that pierced through His tender flesh, with every drop of blood that hit the dirt.... it was for you and me.

Please let the reality of that sink in a bit.
I know we can't fully understand the complete magnitude of grace we are given but at least attempt to meditate on that concept.

Yes, Jesus died and came back so that you and I could have eternal life in the name of Jesus Christ. He paid our debts for us so that we may know Him - God - feel the Holy Spirit in our lives and live in such a way of Truth, belief, and faith - that we can one day live in Heaven with our Savior.
Matthew 28. Yep the whole chapter.

victory.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tetelestai

I've wanted a tattoo for a long time but I've made myself wait until I felt it was right. I figured, if I had to second guess the symbolic branding of my flesh then I should hold out until I didn't have a shred of doubt.

Well, I found my symbol and it comes in a word.
The word comes from Ancient Greek and it is: Tetelestai.

I'd love this to be put in a cool font on my wrist, black, not huge.. just enough for me to be constantly reminded of the meaning behind the text.

So what is the meaning behind the text?
Good question.

"When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit" John 19:30

Jesus sacrificed His life in the most incredible way imaginable. He payed the price, my wages of sin, so that I may come to know the Trinity and have salvation through knowing His beautiful grace. He suffered on the cross because of our sinful nature. He bled for our transgressions. And He "finished/completed/paid our debts" for us due to His love and hope for us. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! I mean, really.

I want this tattoo to remind me that my debt is paid-in-full.
A reminder that Jesus loves even a sinner like me and above all else, He is my everything.

Long story short, I don't know when this is going to happen but it will happen when the time is right and it will serve as a daily reminder of the grand price Jesus paid for my salvation.


KP

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Forgive Me

My apologies.

I feel that I need to openly apologize to those that I may have come in contact with tonight during my half-asleep mode. Looking back…. I think my exhaustion may have come across as apathetic and I want to clearly state that if you got that impression from me - I am truly sorry.

My heart was in the right place tonight but my mind was elsewhere at times. Yes, my mind was screaming for rest but I haven’t let it rest bc I haven‘t been able to get much sleep lately and it affected me more than I was aware. I completely suck for letting that determine my behavior.

Anyway, God woke me up during the service - He is good about that - and afterward I was back to my semi-normal self. I just wanted to apologize for those fam loves that I might of spoken to earlier when I was out of it. If you felt something was off.. It was totally me, not you,. I am unaware of how shy I become when I am inwardly exhausted.

Working on it.
Please forgive me.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Today is a Gift

Today is a gift, not a given.

Lets get serious.
How often do you properly give thanks for each day?
I mean really, really give thanks for your existence.

I feel like we all falter in this area sometimes because it's so easy for us to take our lives for granted. I feel that we slack off in our appreciations due to distracting behaviors and egocentric tendencies. We become so involved in the discovery of ourselves that we let the quest for self become our identity.

I posted a while back about my feelings of Identity in Christ and how amazing that is.. so I won't get into that now. Look back if you want a ref point.

Ok so, we all have purpose. We have a reason that we are here.
How encouraging. Be thankful for your little part in this masterpiece.
Without each part, the puzzle would fall short of it's design and intention.


p.s. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I am happy to report that my health is much better know and my liver has been healed. Praise.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Did we ever REALLY leave middle school?

Good Question.


-more on what I mean later tonight.

________________________________________________________________

Ok - I'm back.

So, I'm going to take a moment to laugh at myself. I posted that I would explain what I meant by the above statement.. but I never did.
What I did do - was verbally have a discussion of this to friends and in that, I vented the topic out of my system. I forgot that I agreed to transpose those thoughts into text. My bad.

Basically, the sociologist in me has been on overdrive lately. I've always been fascinated by crowd mentality and inter social relationships. Why do people gravitate towards other people? Is it just because of circumstance or is there something more? Is there a motive? A need? An attraction of personality? Fate?

I have my own answers and thoughts to each of those questions based on what I think about people and how we were created - and that's all good and jolly but where I get into feeling middle schoolish is when I come into situations where I notice what I like to call, "desperation for approval."

Why do people care about what others think of them?
Now, it's one thing to practice what you preach and want to be seen in doing so to set a positive spin on being a good role model but it's a completely other issue to want to do things on purpose to be seen or liked by a certain crowd.

Yet, we are all guilty of at some point - wanting to be accepted, liked and loved in such a way that we feel included/accepted. Again, that's ok - we all want to be loved... but some of us go to annoying measures of needy behaviors to accomplish those goals. My advice?

Be yourself and don't compromise what you believe/the Truth.

What have I learned over the years?
I have friends.
I have people that I like to be around.
I like to hangout with those people, given the opportunity.
I like to meet people and learn about them regardless of who there are.
If a friendship forms - awesome - nurture it, cherish it. Learn. Grow. Love.

Doing things just to be noticed, for the most part, is pretty lame in my opinion. I'm not talking about like a dude going out of his way for a girl to notice him.. bc that's different stuff all together... but I'm talking about straight-up making a dramatic scene into everything just for people to point a giant spotlight on your stage. This coming from someone who considers herself to be an entertainer of sorts, I know right?

I care about God and my goal is to live according to how we are called to live.
It's not about me.
I'm accepted by Him and I trust that I can be myself with the people I call friends/family.. that's legit.

-KP-

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

where are you now?

Where have I been lately?

Internally sorting through thoughts in my head.


I bit my tongue to keep from speaking.. bc everyone says, "emotions are fleeting" yet my emotions are grounded in over analyzed truths, so that's how I know such honesty is pure. God holds the clock that I wish that I held... but I have to let go and trust in His will instead.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

l.o.v.e

there are certain people that I owe this too.

thank you to all of my friends for being there for me, always.
i could name drop here but i dont believe in that.

if you are in my life, we are friends - you know who you are without me having to say a word.

the last week has rocked my world and a typical me thing to do would be to keep it all in and not tell anybody. thank you to those who heard my cry and followed up on it.. be it silent prayers or words of encouragement.. no words can express my appreciation and value of our friendships.

I am truly blessed.

video

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Seriously?

Ok, I just have to vent this out real quick.

Tonight I had a horrible experience at a local gas station.

I was just pumping my gas when some dude came over to where I was pumping the gas and he just... stood there, looking at me. Sketch.
I just ignored him as best as possible and kept on pumping my gas.
He walked away and then a few seconds later - one of the 3 guys throws a beer can at me. Yes, he threw a beer can at me and then said, "b*tch, pick that up."
Are you kidding me?

I bit my tongue, just stopped pumping gas - looked inside the store to see if there was a dude working or a girl, it was a young girl - So I started walked to my get in my car and then another one of the dudes starting yelling at me.

I can't even being to bleep out type the horrible things he said to me.
He basically told me things that I should do to him and where I should go.
It was graphic and it was pathetic.

I got in my car to avoid my talking back and starting more drama. I went to get their plate number but they drove off.

I almost feel violated.


Seriously.
Did that just happen?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

evaporated

Girl sits at desk.
Girl gets phone call.
Girl stares at computer screen, perplexed.
Girl stutters in confusion to the person who called.
Girl breaks down.
Girl folds inward.
Girl feels alone. worthless. helpless. broken.

And then she is suddenly surrounded by love, kindness and scripture.
Girl realizes, she is not in this alone.
Girl realizes there should be no bitterness, just more faith.
Girl realizes that she is loved in ways she never understood before.
Girl realizes God blesses her through her unfortunate circumstance.

So this week has been rough to say the least.
In a matter of moments, I went from feeling great to feeling horrible.
When the nurse called me and told me vital information in an empty, curt tone - I felt as if I had been beaten and left bleeding on the curb. I know that seems a bit extreme but that's how I felt in that minute of time. There was nobody else in the world, just me. I guess my problem is stated in that sentence.
I could've written an entire bside disc filled with sadness. The feeling of, why doesnt anything ever work.

It's so hard for me sometimes to be positive about things I am a realistic about. I felt as if that phone call was a bad attempt to seal a fate that I dont agree with.

My heart crys when I flashback to thinking about the last time I saw my Dad's face. Flashing back to the pain he must've felt. Flashing back to a lot of things that I refuse to cheapen through text but just trust me... that is nothing that I want any of my family or friends to have to deal with as far as I am concerned.

I'm going to do what I have to.
Live my life as perusal and live according to what I believe.

God is in control... please remind me of that in my moments of weakness:
When I feel sick.
When I feel defeated.
When I feel bitter about being somewhat helpless.
When I feel like a burden.
Remind me, just remind me of the cross.

God is a healer.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

decode

As the title of this may suggest, I've been on a Paramore kick the last few days.

Don't you wish that you could just buy a box of cracker jax (forgive the cliche) and find the awesome prize of.. ta daaa: a decoder ring! Only.. it serves as a ring of truth. zing!

Yeah, I know that sounds kinda childish.
The whole idea of being being honest with ourselves as well as others.
I've come to realize that most people are only as honest as they are expected to be.
That is prolly the most emo thing I've said in a while.

I think truth/honesty is SUPER important.

That being said - I feel like the idea of honesty is something super hard for most Christians. Doesn't that seem ironic? I think it's because of the misguided pressures that we put upon ourselves. When we think things are all about us - we compare ourselves to others in such a way that creates major internal/spiritual problems. The hope to break from that pattern comes from praying for forgiveness, humility and to trust God with everything. In the same way, if we go around thinking it's all about us - and we dont re-channel our perceptive through grace and what that means in our relationship to Christ - we are left feeling guilty, sinful and worthless. I say.. repent and focus on how that can change. Lay your burdens at the cross. Jesus loves us and through his blood, we are saved. How awesome. It's nothing WE did but yet His favor is upon us... we are adopted into His kingdom.. sweetness. So lets be honest with ourselves and realize it's not about us.. bc that is the honest truth.

I have such respect for honesty.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

just. do. it.

I'm finally at a place of enough economic stability that I can join a gym.. so.. that's exactly what I did. Hooray!

I'll be the first to admit that I have been.. more so recently... lazy in my workouts. There is no excuse for this.

If my body is a temple - I should take better care of it.
Right?

As I focus on making my heart clean and my thoughts pure via Jesus... I'm happy to finally not have an excuse to be lazy on keeping my body fit - to align with the concept of cleansing/purity for all aspects of my life.

It might seem stupid to you.. this idea of how I compare keeping a good physical body as well as spiritual mindset.. but hey - it works for me.

Question. Is it just me.. or do you tend to reflect a lot when you are at the gym.

Maybe I've just got a lot of things on my mind right now.... understatement of the year?

Good thing God is in control bc... I alone.. am nothing without Him.

Monday, February 16, 2009

God is Amazing

It's not about me, it's about Him.

Though I falter and break, I am constantly pushing towards Christ and it's so great pushing towards Him alongside family. Thanks to everyone in my life that is there for me, keeping me on point and just showing me grace personified through relational interactions.

I took this photo in WV yesterday.
My heart is thankful for this image being in my memory bank. (along with several more from this weekend... of course. I had a great time!)
Rad:
-rd trips (hours of bonding)
-getting to know people better (and sincerely wanting to know more)
-learning something new (snowboarding)
-not giving up on learning something new (see above)
-building upon existing friendships (always awesome)
-new scene (snow.. beautiful)
-random mini-adventures (getting lost)
-making dinner (being creative)
-playing games (hanging out)
-and the best part: God being the center of it all. Truly, this is how everything is meant to be.

Now, you can add this to your memory bank too.. bc.. umm... God is quite the painter.





Praise Up.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

it's the little things..

that get you going sometimes.
I live for the little things in life.



So normally, I would not have taken the time to:
a)email myself a picture from my phone
b)amp it up
c)post it on here

but it was a rather special tree so I figured I would go for it.

I found much beauty in this tree. On my 10 minute break, I came outside to be near it. The tree, me, a pen and paper... yes, it's moments like this make my heart warm. You know.. what I mean? The weather.. so comfortably confused between warm and windy....then God flat out inspires me through this image of his hands. I dig when my eyes truly open to nature. Not just the wow of the ocean, the sky... but as simplistic as the pedal on the daisy, in the flower bed, by the door. Amazing.

If you read my long post from a week or so ago, you know ive been thinking a lot about identity and spiritual gifts lately. I've made a lot of ground in getting into the heart of Christ in me and what I 'bring to the table' so to speak. To be honest, that is the part I struggle with the most.

On a similar note: I will say that I have that 'things are falling into place' kinda vibe. And... it's such a refreshing/comforting feeling. Columbia feels good to me right now. (it's never really felt like 'home' to me before but God is calling me to be here and I get that now. I hear it and I respect it.)

I feel called for something and I listen.. but it's not clear to me yet. All I know is that right now - I'm called to BE in Columbia. I'm called to BE at my new job. (even though I have never had any desire to be in this type of industry...im learning that with this job - it's a great opportunity to help people and witness and that's pretty rad..)

I still remember sitting in my room thinking, "maybe I'll move back to Sumter.." I broke down and thought about packing up. In that moment, I asked God about it and a few hours later.. I got a job offer I couldn't refuse. Timing is so key in our lives, isn't it. God's Time. Not Kristie's Time. Sometimes I think I own the clock of life but in reality, I can barely wrap my mind around the concept.

This blog is getting longer than I planned. I need to go study.

Oh, sidebar: I know 5 people that have gotten engaged over the last month. CRAZY. And I'm in two weddings coming up here soon. And now, I have a few friends in new relationships - good, healthy, God-Centered relationships and Im super happy for all of them. Yet I had a convo with someone who was quite bitter on the relationship topic and so.. if you are bitter... here is something to think about:

I'm sorry if you were ever in a bad, unhealthy relationship. I've been there. I know, it sucks. Don't let that person crumble your spirit - it wasn't right, obviously. Hopefully you can take it as a learning experience. On the other hand, if you were in a good relationship, again ive been there too, and it still didnt work out.. that means.. it still wasnt right.

You see for me - I've never had a truly healthy relationship. What do I mean by that? Where was God? He was in my heart, not in his. Are we still friends? Oh yah, most def. Were we meant/designed for each other? Not at all.

If you are bitter, just think about it more deeply.
Are YOU ready? Is your heart in the right place. Are you truly pushing yourself to grow as you are OK with the gift of singleness?
And if you are...
then guess what. Maybe he isn't ready yet. Maybe he still has to work out some issues that you don't know about. IDK?!

Point: Trust in God's timing. It's sucha hard thing to do sometimes, esp when we have desires in our hearts. For me? I've got faith. I'm def OK with resting in God's timing and blessings. He provides for us even when we take Him for granted. The purity of grace.

Ok, I'll wrap with this: if it helps you: make a "dating profile" to clarify your vision. Scripture backs this uppppp. Prov 29:18

This is getting super real here but I'm so serious about people having a healthy perspective, Ima share a few of mine with you. I made this in 2007 and it's still true bc I refuse to settle.

-believes in God. 2 Cor 6:14. <-- Tru Story.
-a Spiritual Leader. a must, must, must.
-someone I respect and can show that respect to. someone I can build up and encourage. Serve alongside.
-someone I can trust and confront in grace when it calls for it.
-someone with passion, energy and uses it in a positive way
-must have a sense of humor, im kinda sarcastic.. so im a fan of friendly banter and clever wit.. i appreciate it.
-must love music. not nec the same kinda music but music. a lil bit of dance involved would be a SWEET plus since both are passions of mine
-must care about fitness (working out, being healthy without hardcore crazy about it bc.. i make cookies.. and stuff.. when the mode strikes)
-doesnt mind coffee shops bc i like to freq them
-totally down with traveling
-of course, at this point in the list - the natural attraction is there
-etc. that's all ya get.


ok, I exposed myself in text only as needed to stress a point. girls talk with girls, guys talk with guys. have accountability in matters of your heart. pray together.

and plz, be intentional. if you like a girl/guy - respect their heart and be intentional. im all about taking it slow and getting to know someone but just dont be 'that person' that turns on the ego and rolls with it to whoever is nearby to be in the fan club. i will never fake any signs of potential in something when there is none. there is just no need to hurt someones heart or your own for that matter. keep it real and legit.

Get yo' vision.
If someone comes to mind after thinking, writing, praying about this.
Pray some more - God knows the desires of your heart.
Let him do his thing but make sure to listen if he tells ya to step up.
(ive heard so many stories lately about fear holding ppl down.. let go, Let God. Not to be cheese.. but c'mon, be real)


That said.. here are a few more 'out of context' teacherisms from class today:

"the monkey of responsibility"
"a gate keeper, like in ghostbuster"
"i kissed that. i kept is super simple"
"alright, lets talk... as jay leno would say"
"ET was an alien"
"until the cows come home from texas"
"i got you in lock down"
"bonified"

Monday, February 9, 2009

a day just like any other..

... only it wasnt.

Today at 7:45am I sat in a classroom with 7 other young professionals.. all with the desire of passing our Insurance Boards on Friday.

One week. 10 hours a day. LOTS OF INFORMATION. You don't even know the half ot it. It's pretty intense. The most shocking part of today was the fact that I didn't fall asleep during the lectures. I drank nasty coffee, covered my hands with ink and highlighter, and listened to a prof throw what seemed like a 1000 new terms at my face... and I was seemingly ok with it all.

background: I'm not going to be selling insurance but I do work in the industry "assisting in sales" so they want me to take the boards as a way to give me a clear understanding of the big picture.. and the 100000000 details that go along with it.

Needless, I made it through the day. Thank goodness I have a quirky teacher that entertains my typically easily distracted nature.
Her catch phrases included:
"ive been there, done that, got the t-shirt to prove it - ok"
"guys and gals"
"the monkey agent on your back, pullin ya down"
"yo, im cool with that"
"it is what it is" ---- always in response to how intense this course is.

Not to mention she rocked a sweet 80s hairstyle!


So thanks for the prayers - it's def helping. Please continue to pray for my mind to be sponge-like this week as I try to study/retain as much as possible... and of course, pass the final.


I'd be nice to go somewhere for a bit, like grab a coffee but.. I know that would distract my online practice test taking time.


Things to do...
1)figure out how to email this application bc im ready to send
2)study
3)work-out
4)study
5)coffee
6)quiet time
7)study until i pass out

but first.. music and breathing.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

who am i to defend

the fist that holds this pen.

putting a brief response into a single line space format is hard for me. i have issues with verbal vomit and though im working on limiting details.. it's just not my style. my poetic nature slips and it's hard to refrain. you might have to 'know' me to know what i mean. I wish sometimes I could be cut/dry.

that might not make much sense, or matter much and im ok with that.. just note that it bothers me that i struggle in appreciating my ability to be poetic. when someone asks me a question - i will answer as i see fit to be answered. that can be with one word, two words, or 1,000 words but let the record show that i will be honest with my response wichever the case may be.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

on the way home

"..this car hears my confessions.

I think tonight I'll take the long way"

Friday, February 6, 2009

im a visual person


so to go along with my lifegroup/identity blog:

Here is a visual of the beautiful souls I kick it with.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Identity and LifeGroup

From.. midtown.. family vacay.... and my own searching.. I have combined some thoughts/questions alongside some notes of what I've discovered in my quiet times. If you care to read, by all means. I had time today to blog this out. I continue to strengthen my relationship with God and wow, the idea of identity in Christ clicks now more than ever. He is doing some awesome things in my life - praise up.

Topic: Identity:
1)Describe who you are:
2)Describe what you think about who you are:
3)How do you think your view of self align with how God views you?
4)Do you TRUST God, how He made you, what he created you to do?

Three things we MUST know:
God is the Creator, God loves us, God is good aka Awesome aka Rad aka Stellar.

Identity issues stem from either Self-loathing or Pride:

The below terms as defended by dictionary.com/website:

"Pride: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc."

"Self-Loathing: a pattern of thinking where individuals believe they are bad, worthless, evil, unsuccessful, unlovable, and/or incompetent"

Both are Sin. It's important to understand which way you come from and work through this with family. 1 Corinthians 12: 21-26

How does your self-pity/pride affect the family?

Ways we can transform our minds:
1) Experience divine power through relationships
2) Strive together toward maturity in Christ.

Ex. LifeGroup:
We have formed an authentic community in which we deeply trust each other. We spur one another onward toward spiritual growth through trying to be Christ-minded and we show that to each other in measures of love and accountability. We think believers need to seek greater understanding of sin's dynamic in their lives. We don't run away from sin issues but rather, we battle and overcome them together. We deal with the core/root issues - not ignoring the potential blind spots or obstacles that may stunt our spiritual well-being. Through our biblical community be it LifeGroup/Church fam as a whole - we must not forget the issues we often forget are issues: self-loathing and pride. We must strive (for ourselves as well as our brothers/sisters) to see seek identity in Christ. To experience this intimate community in the biblical sense, we must reveal ourselves in a way that is honest, free, thoughtful, and intentional.

"…knowing your identity in Christ so that you can make yourself known to others in a Christian community so that you can pursue a lifetime of growth in the context of community so that you are best equipped to glorify Christ by serving others… to understand our need for transformation, we must understand who we are currently, both as individuals and as members of the body of Christ"

Just some things I've been thinking about.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Daily Bread

So tonight I went to get some dinner and conversate with some friends.
For the record, I'm always up for coffee, zucchini, cookies, dance and conversation. No - those elements should not nec. be combined together - but you get the picture.

So, while at dinner - there were 3 tables of midtown peeps - better known as my family - (why have I not blogged about family vacation yet?!) and it was totally cool to see friendly faces as I awaited my zucchini.

So, while we were all sitting at our respected tables.. in walks yet another friendly face. He walked in and went to each of our tables to say hello. I wanted him to come and sit with us but he said he had somewhere to be and after a big hug, he went out the door on his way.

Moments later the waitress came up to us and asked us if we knew "that guy" and then she asked, "was he bothering you?"

We all said, "yes, we know him - and no, he wasn't bothering anyone..."
and the waitress said, "he used to come here all the time.. sit around like a bum"

Then a member of my family looked at the waitress and said, "he has changed"
The waitress responded with, "Well, I can tell he changed, I can see a big difference. I haven't even seen him in a long time, he seems like a different person"

And our response, "he is different, he found/has God"

To change.
To be a light in the darkness.
To let your story be a testiment to His purpose, grace, glory and salvation.
What a great opportunity of conversation to be had after such a powerful moment.

Great night at the grilled-t.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dart Test

i posted this via facebook a while back but never on here.. so if you havent read this.. go for it. this will def give ya a lil sumthin to think about. it struck something in me, i hope it does the same for you.

Dart Test...

A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a seminary class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith . She says that Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons.

One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry , and he would allow them to throw darts at the person' s picture.

Sally ' s friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.

The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn ' t have a chance to throw any darts at her target.. Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.

Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus.
A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.

Dr. Smith said only these words... 'In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me . '
Matthew 25:40.

No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ.




I know right?

Monday, January 19, 2009

I don't understand

...how people can be so distant and cold?
it breaks my heart.

So I talked to my Mom tonight and she told me a story that upset me.

An auntie of mine that lives up in Boston had an accident recently. She took a spill and fell down at a train station in the morning prier to work. She has to take the train to work.. not many people actually drive to their respected jobs that live up there bc of traffic. Anyway - she fell horribly and could not get up because the pain was so incredible.

Nobody - nobody - nobody came to her side and helped her when she fell.
People went on their way - passed by her - let her lay - on the dirty ground - in pain. As she asked for help, people continued on their merry way as if nothing was going on.

WHAT? Hearing this story lit. made me feel sick to my stomach.

Finally a girl walked by that helped my aunt up. - Thank God for her.
Turns out, my auntie broke her leg.. hence why she could not get up on her own.

I'm sorry but are you kidding me?
How hard is it to take 5 seconds and help someone in need.
How can you be so blind and ignorant?

God, please continue to give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken hearted - please reach the people who are walking around dead inside, focused on themselves and their identity in their jobs - the people that have no love or compassion for anyone but themselves. The people who refuse to have their status dented by being seen with certain people. Help me to turn this bitter feeling into a prayer for hope to be spread on those busy streets. Bless those that are good Samaritans in my life that I take for granted.

Amen.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I need the smell of summer...

...i need it's noises in my ears.

So, the audio and video never really match up when I post any vids on here via the blogger uploader but none the less - it is the blog of the day. Allow it to mess with your head that it doesn't match up. Oh blogger.


video

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Oh snap.. fo'real?



Yes, it finally happened.

My trusty razr cellular device has seen better days.
(...to state the obvious)
That's right, it finally broke into two pieces. The last two years of constant dropping and falling out of my pocket have caught up with me. The ironic fact of the matter is... I can't really be mad or upset about this situation.
Why? Oh... because it still works!

In it's sad lil two piece way, it somehow refuses to give up complete hope. I admire the will of this trusty gadget. The vein/lifeline/tiny wire needed for the "connection" still remains... holding the two parts together in a purely ghetto fasion. Perphaps it's fitting. It's got my emo sad and my thug gangsta all in one hot pink mess... and to talk on the phone... well, that's just a sight you'd have to see. Alas, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Cute.

Well, my contract is supposed to be up in Feb. I hope that I can up that to.. umm.. this weekend. We'll see...

til then... fear not... you may still call/text/whateves... just know that I'll be awkwardly silly... wherever I am.. responding to you =p

-kp-