Sunday, December 30, 2007

What Turns You... ON?

Ok, I'm more than aware that the title of this was more eye catching than not. However, rest your sexual mind at ease. I state the obvious with the most general of implications of the question, "What turns you on?" Seriously, think about it! What in life do you like? What are you drawn to? What gets you excited? What do you crave? What gets you going?

A few nights ago, I sat outside.. underneath the stars.. and did some serious reflecting on 2007. To say that a lot has changed for me throughout this year would be a giant understatement. I may in fact be on another planet all together. I've grown so much and yet, so much has yet to be explained. I feel that in due time - more things will click in my recall of whys and what ifs. Ok, forgive the tangent.. I'll get to my point. In my 2007ish thoughts... I can't help but ask myself... "Ok, what turns me on?" I'm reading a book right now and I came across an exercise that the writer used to sort through what makes her happy in her life...

I'll give you a few of my turn-ons... you do the same in your mind or on paper.. whatever. The whole point is that you take as second to look inside at yourself for once as you recognize what makes you feel alive:
-music (listening to it, singing, going to concerts, lyrics, beat)
-musicians (shows talent, dedication, good with hands.. never a bad idea in a guy)
-dance (dancing, watching/doing.. any and all kinds)
-being passionate (about the things I like, expressing myself when i desire)
-writing (my thoughts (obviously) songs/poems..)
-movies (acting, new movies/old favorites, watching a great story unfold before my eyes)
-creative projects (making things with a purpose for me or others)
-being outdoors (doing anything outside, adventures)
-randomity (living life with no expectations, welcoming in the random and going with it.. never really knowing what is going to happen until it does)
-being with my family/friends (hanging out/talking/loving)
-my faith (my faith excites me and awakens me the most out of anything on any list)
-comfortable beds (i have insomnia so comfortable beds are like a slice of heaven)
-chocolate (any and all forms.. except white)
-helping people sort out their problems (being at the heart of what a friend is: loyalty, trust)
-mentoring children (i love helping kids)
-back massages (this is something I enjoy but also has the potential to lit. turn me on)
-random acts of kindness (gosh, it feels so good when someone thinks about you and does something about it - I do what I can to make sure my friends know I don't take them for granted and strangers to.. you never know what can change a sad day into the best day ever)
-cuddling/holding hands/being held (I am a hopeless romantic)
-taking pictures (silly to serious - nice cameras or throw away kind.. all great)
-making my own fashions (I tend to throw a bunch of different styles together, it's fun)
-video games (systems to online pvp games)
-cherry coke/cheerwine (i love the taste)
-good sneakers for working out/working out/yoga (nothing beats the high of a good workout)
-my rainbows (so comfie and long lasting)
-ties/hats (i am attracted to both... don't know why, just am. the tie thing can be a guy rocking a tie and jeans, doest have to mean "dressed up" I just like ties, lol)
-laughing til it hurts (hehee)
-mixtapes/cds (the thought and result of a mix is always fun - i am a dork though)
-mocha light fraps from Starbucks (the best)
-candles (i like mood lighting
-deep conversations (we all need heart to hearts and I njoy dipping beyond surface conversation from time to time)
-making someone smile (makes me... in turn... smile)
-texting (I fell into that addiction but I'm getting much better)
-theme parks ( be a kid, just do it - there is your excuse)
-the fireball at the fair (magical experience bc it's so fun)
-california/boston/florida/new york (great places to visit)
-helping the community (how great to give back)
-pay day (come on, we all like pay day)
-eye contact/awkward moments/smirking (bc it's the little moments in life that you fall back on when the big ones consume you to the point of taking them for granted)
-nicknames (i like one-on-one connections in a friendship)
-sunglasses (bc they help you see when it's blaze'n outside)
-inside jokes (hilarious memories to keep you going)
-ice-cream (weakness... mmm)
-kissing (yep, lol)
-shoes (i like shoes.. a lot.. they excite me.. i don't like feet so i like things that cover them up)
-rd trips (never a dull moment.. esp 3 day long ones.. oh Mexico)
-my ipod (one of the greatest advancements of my generation)
-hot tubs (always relaxing)
-flash drives (help transport information, great tool)
-hello kitty (childhood innocences, i still love sanrio)
-hoodies (i always feel comfortable in my hoodie, i can hide inside it and keep warm)
-eye liner (always been a fan of eye make-up bc ive always had big eyes, haha)
-poprocks (great, always)
-romance (awwwww)
-board games (i like games/sports/anything like that.. just grew up being a team player)
-chewable mulitvitamins (bc I have to take them and I don't swallow pills well.. yay for chewables)
-sporks (the best of both worlds)
-space heaters (i would freeze at work without one)
-notecards (i tend to jot things down from time to time on them)
-Crestor (without which... i wouldn't be doing so well. This drug helps prevent me from having a heart attack)
-thunderstorms (there is just something beautiful about a thunderstorm esp at night
-99 cent pizza (again, best of both worlds)
-boys that smell good (mmmmmmmm)

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sunday Morning

I got some brkfst Saturday Morning and this song came on while I was waiting... I forgot how much I loved the mellow sound and lyrics. ex "steal some covers share some skin"
I rocked out and well.. now you can too..

Lyrics : Sunday Morning Lyrics

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

"... because Christmas is the time of year where you tell people how you feel about them..."
-Jim Halpert, The Office.

It's about that time folks....

I honestly can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve... it seriously blows my mind. I'm thinking about last year and where I was as a person and.. I've grown a lot since then. Again, grown "as a person" not in height. I'm still staggering around 5'3". Hey, good things come in small pun intended as it is the season of gifts. *giggle* <-- I had to!

Anyways, I hope that everyone has a great Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. I hope that something touches your heart in an unexpected but awesome way. Even a simple smile or a warm hug that no one wants to break. Embrace love this season. Time goes by too fast and life is too short to not notice what is important and special to you.

To say I have a lot of my mind right now could be the biggest understatement of the year but needless, I'm going home for a few days to sort out some stuff within myself. I'm dealing with a wintry mix of emotions. My heart is begging me to go one direction while my head is pleading me to do nothing of the sort.. for different reasons. Meanwhile... I'll cuddle close to blankets and sheets and hold onto these dreams...

I tripped - I stood - I stumbled - I stood - then I fell and now I can't get back up....
a part of me.... wants to keep falling.
I might be in trouble.

Saturday, December 22, 2007


Dear Mr. Matthews,
I can not tell a lie.
I honestly prefer your older albums.
My favorite would be -underthetableanddreaming-
So.. here is to better days of the band before your solo/bluegrass/not as awesome stuff came out.
Love always,

Friday, December 21, 2007

Everything Happens for a Reason


that's what I'm told


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Falling Free at Record Speed

Sometimes song lyrics say things better than I have the ability to. Here is a song written by my good friend Joe. He is doing so great in his career. You should check him out. He is amazing. His name is Joe Wilson - he is from New Jersey - he is crazy talented on guitar and lyrical content.. and.. he is a super cool guy. He was in a band called "Feeling Left Out" but now he does solo stuff.

This is my current mood/feelings. I wont give more of myself away but I'm just ready for this step and I'm scared out of my mind to take it.

If you want to hear it, go to the unoffical myspace page and click on
Keep Me Company in the music list.
Keep Me Company
if you want his real pages just search, Feeling Left Out or Joe Wilson.
Your welcome...

it's kind of like smiling
similar to a mouthful of candy
it's like 3:00 on your last day of
school it's someone else's turn to play the fool

let's take a walk and let our feet just talk
let's reach for hands and hold hips where we stand

I'd like to introduce you to my eyes
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to dive into

i've let go of the past even before you asked
to ensure this ship sails smoothly you can be the wind
and guide this ship to a safer place than this

let's speak our words and exaggerate the absurd
show me your teeth and
promise to never stop smiling

I'd like to introduce you to my lips
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to hold onto

I'd like to introduce you to my heart
it's been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have someone to write home to

it's ok if it's not a white Christmas
we can sleigh ride on the sand
we'll bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters just don't you let go of my hand

Monday, December 17, 2007

the scar remains

This weekend was fun.

Friday I had a job interview.. went well.. pretty much have it in the bag.. but I again, don't feel like it is a good idea. What is wrong with me? My mom told me that my Dad once did this kinda work and his words were, "don't ever sell when you only get commission." Well, unfortunately for me.... my Father is no longer here on this earth and I can't ask him questions. Sad.

The night got better. I went out with friends and had dinner, went to a bar, and saw I Am Legend. <-- (eh.. could've been better.. it ended to suddenly in my opinion) Either way, t'was fun times as always with the lexie crew.

Saturday I had a Christmas dinner party at my house. Yep, my house is the party house.. your welcome.. ha. It went well - I was pleased. The next party is a "Red Carpet" party. Hollywood club style.

Sunday - today - was alright. I slept half the day away.. simply because I finally had a chance to. I thought about a lot of things. Mainly the friendship that I miss so deeply. Even still, I got myself together and went to church with the bests - it was a great Christmas themed service.

Then we went to dinner - where at? - Ah yes, the place of my blog "parking lot goodbyes"
Yep, it was very painful at first. Not only that... but we parked in the same spot as the puddle of tears. One of my friends knew about it.. the other didn't - I didn't want to bring it up but when we first got there - I couldn't help but make a comment. I let it go as best as I could but it was awkward for me. Painful and a bit sad too. Then I thought to myself... look at the people you are with right now - in this exact moment.

There is a reason why I was there. Thusly proving what a rad guy told me last week... situations and people do not/will not define who I am as a person.

Needless, I focused on appreciating the people I love and had a chill time after that. A few more friends randomly showed up too.. proving more.. that I'm not alone in this.

"to love and be loved, I hope it's enough..."

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Bright Eyes

If the video is too much for you.. please at least, appreciate the song.
It is one of my all time favorite songs and I've been listening to it a lot... lately.

Good job Bright Eyes for hosting some awesome lyrics:

"So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery"

isn't that the truth. ya gotta at least know something is there bc you cant/wont wait forever.. like winning the lottery.. chances being slim to none. It's great to know you are working towards something.. yep.. good times.

can you be in love with love?


Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Weight of it All

I just wanted to take a moment to thank a few of you for being awesome friends. Yesterday was a horrible day.. as much as I laugh and attempt to make the best of my conversation, it was still a rough day. There were some things/advice that I needed to hear and I got that last night. Today was not wonderful and I did spend many hours in bed... my head pounds... but.. it in no way matches the feelings of the day before. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. And as the week goes by - I will let the weekend take it's course and welcome in any new advances that may fall upon me. I climbed so far up the stairs.. just because I got knocked down a few steps doesn't mean I can't march right back up... faster.. and better.

Matt Nathanson - "Weight of it All"

I'm weak when you miss me
When you roll me on your tongue..
When you whisper me your best moves
I almost believe you
But you don't know me at all

I spent days stupid nailed to your floor
And i spent nights pushed against you
Trying to keep warm
But you don't know me at all.

Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And i'll show you hurricanes
And the way that summer fades...
Underneath the weight of it all

I'm covered by lovers,
Who recite lines
Convinced their bodies
Are gonna save mine
But you don't know me at all..

You can lift me up to put me down again

Underneath the weight of it all
...the weight of it all

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

yearbook words and parking lot goodbyes

Avoid this situation if at all possible...

Sunday, December 9, 2007

On the Verge

"I come undone, oh yes, I do.. just think of all the thoughts wasted on you. And every word you say, say something sweet... cause all I taste is blood between my teeth"
~Jack's Mannequin~

I guess it's for the best.

Wait.. does anybody ever really know what is best until best happens? I'm aware of how oddly stated that seems but you know what point I'm trying to make. Is "the best" something that comes from your personal sacrifices to reach a certain level of satisfaction? Is "the best" when you do all that you possibly can to fix something and hence you feel accomplished for your choices and steps taken.. to.. as a fun bonus.. make yourself happy within a situation?

Tonight I saw an amazing display of talent. Brilliant musicians entertained my spirit with inspiring song and praise. Makes one vulnerable to the surroundings. Emotions are interesting and I feed off of words and gestures.

There was an older couple sitting in front of me. I couldn't help but notice that in certain moments.. the man would put his arm around his mate. He rubbed her back and smiled.. almost with a sense of "the best" ... knowing that he was there for her... knowing that to her.. he was the one. She would then pull herself into him to show the same respect and love. They displayed the smallest/faintest of movement.. just so that one knew that the other was still there. If you blinked.. you would've missed it. How sweet and innocent.

How did they know that they were "the best" for each other. What hardships did they face and silent complications did they encounter before they knew that being friends, dating, getting married was.. "for the best"

Faith. Gotta love it and God.. may we all have a little of it.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

Hey Friends,

As of late, I've had the weight of the world on my bruised shoulders and the feeling is nothing sort of painful. The cut was made and for reasons beyond my control... I continue to pick at the scar. Why do we do that? Why do I try so hard? The stresser that has kicked me in the gut lately is this on-going search for my place in this World aka.. a "good" job. I was finally offered something but now I don't want it.. what is wrong with me?

*raise your glass and toast to better days gone by and better days to come* Amen.

Another more recent - frustrating, nagging, constant (etc..) neon sign in my head - deals with something that I can no longer deny. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? I am. I'm not sure how to go about figuring out what certain things mean in my life right now. I'm left with a stain of awareness that deep down in my heart.. there are certain things that mean more to me that I was allowing myself to acknowledge. I don't like to take things for granted and this process of thought helps me stay focused in such regard.

Back to the heart... here are some questions I've been pondering today.

1)At what point is it ok to put yourself out there?

2)At what point is it ok to speak up on actions and own your behavior?

3)At what point do you realize what you do reflects your intention?

4) What do you do with these new realizations?

and lastly.. no pun intended...

4)When do you just - give - up?

And here I sit and I write. Emo if you want...

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

I waited for you

as long as I could,

but I won't waste my time...

on dreams that'll

never come true.

My attempts are in vain

if you pick loneliness over love.

yah, you stole a piece of my heart...

But keep it, im done.

So read my thoughts,

from start to end,

and let them haunt your rest..

cause baby -

you missed your chance

and you'll never have it again...

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Question: You know what I dig?
Fact: Holiday Movies

Here a few top favorites that Im ready to watch soon:
Christmas Vacation
Home Alone
The Grinch (Jim C version)
Christmas Story
The Santa Clause

It's times like these you want to cuddle up with a special someone, a cup of
hot chocolate, a warm blanket.. and just.. be merry.


Saturday, December 1, 2007

Jingle Bell Rock

It's that time of the year again... bring out your tacky sweaters and holiday best. Sing a Christmas carol or two and make some fresh, Christmas tree shaped cookies. Go on.. get nuts with lights and fake pine spray.


Don't get too overwhelmed with "stuff" that you forget what Christ + mas means. It is my wish for you during this season that you think about the reason beneath the holly. If you are not religious, then I encourage you to explore the possibility some. Take this time of "feel goods" and "cozy fires" being around friends/family - and think about your purpose here on Earth. Ask questions, do research - but be aware that there is more to the hustle and bustle and those late night Christmas Eve shopping sprees.

Tell people how you feel. That's what I do. I make sure that in this time of being grateful for my life and for the life sacrificed for mine - I am thankful for those that have been placed in my path. Let the cool winter breeze refresh and awaken your senses. Be free and be aware. Decorate to get you in the spirit if you need to. Drink you some eggie noggie sure, but please also take joy in the quietness of dark evenings and candle light.

Here is something else I'd like you to keep in mind.. "new years resolutions" - yep, go ahead and start making them. If you wait until the last minute - under the pressure of it all - you will probably make "impulse decisions" (you most likely.. won't stick to them) Be serious about positive changes. You don't have to compare your resolutions to anyone else and you don't even have to share them. Own your thoughts, it's your life.