Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Dating 101 (part deux)


I'm going to pick up on those topics I left you with in my last posting. And don't worry, most posts won't be that long. I have a few people that have been waiting to read these thoughts and I'm trying to provide justice to their time spent waiting.

... here we go...

Do Looks Matter?
Honestly... attraction is awesome and definitely exciting but don't rely solely on that factor alone. Don't date someone just because they are "pretty, cute, hot.. " I see so many of my friends fall victim to this fate and they are typically left with.. nothing of any significance. Instead, seek after that person you enjoy mentally, spiritually... and I promise you that this person will also be.. to put it bluntly.. visually pleasing to your taste. If you like someone - you like them. All things should be taken into account - not just their looks. Yes, we all take looks into account - that's fine but - it is a bit messed up to base a relationship strictly on those grounds. That seems common sense to me but some people really struggle with it.

Here are 3 things that come to mind about attraction:
a) looks deceive:
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting....” - Proverbs 31:30
b) looks decline:
- age happens, life happens. No one will stay in the 'best shape of their life' forever - so - if you bank solely on looks... have fun. Love - should be the ultimate attraction and it will be when you find 'the one'
c) looks cancel out:
-ever think that someone is so beautiful until you get to know their personality... then suddenly, they are not so attractive anymore? Ever had that happen? Funny huh? How about - the more you get to know a person (who can also be beautiful) and you love them for who they are.. what they stand for.. and all of those awesome qualities on your list.. the more attractive they are to you. Yah, God knows what he is doing.

Here are some basic "tips" in Dating:

(I'm basing the guy/girl advice from things both sexes have expressed to me about situations they have been in and I have also taken into account merit from moral and the Bible)

Don't Settle

Guys: Be with a girl who respects you and who is also respected by her peers Proverbs 27:15, 21:19, 30:1. Seek a girl who has a "Servant's Heart" someone who is loving, giving and willing to help others in need.. simply because she wants to serve for a greater good. Don't settle with a random girl you meet one night just because you are feeling lonely and want a temporary fix. Don't settle for hook-ups and one-night stands just to feed your ego. Don't lower your standards to someone who, you know deep down, isn't the one and isn't going to be the one for you. Why carry around excess baggage or create emotional damage for yourself. Stay strong. Is she running the race next to you - following God?

Girls: Just because a guy asks for your number at a bar, does not mean you have to give it to him. It also doesn't mean that you have to go home with him to prove a point to yourself. As girls, we long to be included and sometimes, some take that to an extreme. If you have to visually tempt a guy for him to say loving things to you - do you think he really means what he says? Once he is turned on, I'm pretty sure you will hear everything you wanted. Is that fair to him or you? What measures are you taking to feel 'pretty/included' Don't settle for lowering your standards. Don't trap yourself with the guy who is a jerk to you, the guy who is yells at you, the guy who hits you, the guy who controls you. There is someone out there for you - just wait. You don't have to sell yourself to find him... this guy will want you for you. Great guys are out there, promise. Is he running the race next to you - following God?

Dating Advice:
-Don't mess with someones heart just to get attention.
-Not a good idea to spend your time allowing someone to pour into you if you really are not interested. If there is no hope, say it. Seriously - tell that person and be done with the confusion.
-Be honest with each other.
-The in between stage is painful and can be hurtful if you are 'playing' someone. If you think you need to talk about the relationship then you probably should - so talk and ask questions. Be on the same page.
-Don't get too psychical too quick, don't taint the relationship
-Take dating seriously just not too seriously. You are in a relationship but don't act like you're married.
-Don't mess around, it's not worth it.
-Don't push your friends away - Guys need guy time and girls need girl time. You should encourage each other to hang out with friends and have their nights with each other. You should never be with someone who will not let you hang out with your friends. Don't push away your boys or your girls - you need them.

For the One/Love/Marriage:

Guys: ways to love her: *taken straight from Midtown advice*
"Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church" - Eph. 5:25

-Sacrifice for her. Love her the way Christ loved us/the Church. Be willing to give up anything
for her. Your love for your wife is compared to the love of Christ and the sacrifice he made for humanity. Wow. Obviously that is a big and hard idea to swallow but aim your love for her in those regards. Step-Up and initiate things with her. Sacrifice your pride of being right all the time. Say you are sorry. Sacrifice your time for her - Cuddle with her with not alterer motives. Speak Gently to her. Don't be harsh to her - change your tone when you speak to her. (Col. 3:19) Nourish and Cherish her (Eph 5:19) Provide for her. Get a job. Nourish her spiritually and give her time and space. Cherish who she is. Plan dates for her - be creative. Have a strong foundation in your relationship with her.

Girls: ways to respect him: *taken straight from Midtown advice*
"Wives submit to your husbands"

-Trust him. As girls we tend to like to control things and plan things out in detail... let some of that go for him because he isn't wired like you are and yelling at him for not being detailed is cruel. Talk to him. Don't keep things bottled up inside. Get your feelings out. Don't wait until you explode on him for things he knew nothing about. Do not go to bed angry. (Eph 4:26) Don't get your feelings out in public. Watch the way you talk to him in public. Don't be rude/controlling/talk down to him in front of people. If you have an issue, confront him with grace when you are alone. Defend him and build him. Encourage him and build him up. Stand up for him. Forgive him for the mistakes as he forgives you for your mistakes. (1st Cor. 13:5) Don't keep a record of wrongs.

I think I'm about done:
Guys build things and fix things - so build good things and have patience when things can not be fixed right away.
Girls nourish and care for things - so love and care for things and spend time doing good and serving.

Together - boys and girls.. we were made for each other.



.joe said...

Hey girl. That's good stuff. Nicely thought out and well written.

I couldn't agree with you more about the importance of faith in a relationship. Kudos to you for being able to gather your heart and thoughts and put it into words. And even bigger kudos to realizing that sometimes what we want so bad isn't what He has planned for us right now.

I heard a quote last week from A.W. Tozer that said "The most important thing about a person, is what they think about, when they think about God." how true.

blustar said...

You have been very helpful to me during the process of gathering my thoughts on these topics. I appreciate your input - thanks for everything.