Tuesday, April 29, 2008


"You and I, cold February night.. it's been a half an hour.. taking sweet time saying our goodbyes... one minute more. The best day of my life is all thanks to you. Precious remembrance saved for rainy days or February. Few scenes from my life or moments mean more to me than our fine nights" - TheStartingLine

Question: Was February was a good month for me?
Answer: Understatement of the year.

Step One: Wake up with your mind pre-programmed in a ‘rinse, lather, repeat’ fashion.
Step Two: Panic when out of nowhere someone cuts the water off, leaving you a soapy (but fragrant) mess.
Step Three: Realize you don’t care that your eyes sting from the Herbal Essence that clogs your tear ducts.
Step Four: Realize you don’t care that you didn’t finish your habitual routine.
Step Five: Wipe the soap from your eyes as you stand cold, naked and curious.

Realizing someone has the potential to change your life forever is a cold, cleansing, and curious shower.

met·a·phor - an implicit comparison, something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol. a figure of speech in which an expression is used to refer to something that it does not literally denote in order to suggest a similarity .

I don’t keep receipts. I keep everything else under the sky… but I never keep restaurant receipts. There is simply no point for me to recap those transactions to anyone. (Shout out to online banking) However, if you look inside my hungry wallet, you will find one IHOP receipt from February 23rd at 5:20am.

The 5:20am IHOP adventure was not a breakfast meal, it was a… been out all night and in need of food type of meal. Also known as.. I’m not quite ready for this night to end so lets go somewhere for a bit longer.

I will do my best to control my syrup tendency - but the bottom line is – I finally found someone worth my time.
That is a big deal.
Seriously, that is huge.
See, a distant friend re-entered my life and the possibility of getting to know him better excited me. I’ve always though t he was cute but without question, there was an underlying chemistry between us. We instantly connected on several levels and I admit, it took me by surprise. You just don’t come across something like that everyday. Yet while easy to recognize, it can also shock you at the same time. For me, it was a good shock. Truly. Like a bolt of electricity pumping through my veins making my heart beat faster.. sending endorphins through my body with every awakening pulse.

We actually hung out and talked for a few hours about life and love. He told me about his thoughts and I told him my philosophy of how you have to have faith that someone is out there.. waiting/looking for you just as you were waiting/looking too. I told him my dating profile and shared my faith and trust based on knowing that God would pull through in the end with someone worth my time and affections. I’ve always refused to settle or play the random hook up game. I think that is sleazy and it creates unhealthy baggage and false expectations that nobody needs. It’s better to wait – wait for what is wroth your energy and precious time.

Wait for what you know in your heart and mind is right. When you find something great, hold onto it dearly. Don’t take it for granted because in a fleeting moment of desperation, the thing you crave so deeply – could be gone forever.

So anyway, we discussed things and had great conversations on our nights of hanging out. (Which became quite frequent)
Again, huge deal to me. While I’m known for pointless quotations and random outbursts, I thrive off of meaningful conversations. The things he said about what he wanted in life were pretty much the exact same thoughts I had. So much so, that I was taken off guard. That ‘shock’ and ‘to good to be true’ mindset took me by surprise. It actually took me a few days to wrap my mind around the reality of how hard I was crushing on him as I wondered how much he was crushing on me. I was initially hesitant but I quickly realized I had been praying for that shock “ moment” for.. well.. forever. I didn’t mind that I had soap in my eyes or that I was exposing myself to someone, as if naked in the shower of my mind. I didn’t mind a break in my lonely routine. Instead, I welcomed the break with curiosity and baited breath.

Step Six: As the water comes back on, finish your shower but with a new perspective and outlook what this refreshing sensation means.

Longer story short – we started dating and it’s been great. I’m not going to cheapen our relationship by shedding details of us, because that’s not my style, but just trust that when I say things are great – I mean that. I’m not using a cliché of everything looks perfect from far away bit – I truly am happy and in love. I’ve never felt so comfortable with anyone so fast and I’ve never felt anything of such certainty before. That’s a good thing. Huge.

God is the ultimate completing force but he allowed for our paths to cross in such a way that I feel whole. As if this was the plan from the beginning. While I’m not one to typically rush into thoughts beyond my grasp, we’ve got a good thing going and I can’t wait for all of the adventures to come.


Wednesday, April 9, 2008

i'll be back

I am very aware of my MIA status as of late.
Deepest apologies - it'll never happen again.
Well, unless I get super busy... because then... it will most certainly happen again. Forgive me, Im honest.

I won't make broken promises because that isn't my style... but I will promise to catch you up on my thoughts and experiences.

Ex. I wrote this a few weeks back but it never got posted for some reason. IDK either.

I exist more comfortably in my environment now than I did a year ago at this time.

At this time last year…. I spent restless days and nights on a cold hospital floor pondering faith, love and if people really do have a purpose to the ‘so-called’ grander plan. Questions flooded my brain until my thoughts pulled me under a tidal wave of hypothetical notions. The nights I tricked myself to sleep… I would wake feeling as though I was washed up a distant shore. If I achieved rest, I felt it meant pleasure for the body and thusly, I felt guilty for allowing myself a healthy outcome when internally I felt so useless.

I had just come back from what should have proven to be the ‘best spring break of my ever' *insert trl style screams here* Well, I wish I could say that I enjoyed my all expense payed vacation to Cancun, Mexico. I wish I could tell you that I loved every minute of that all inclusive resort I called home for a few days. I wish I could tell you… well.. I wish I could tell you fun stories. Not the going to bed at 9pm or the sea sick day. Sure, I have a few things (refer back to me throwing up for an hour or so) but the majority of my time was spent starring into the crystal water with the warm sun beating down upon my troubled mind. The soft sand beneath my feet... unknowingly.. comforting my spring desires as I remained peaceful. In this moment, I realized what I wanted to do – go home - and break out of the mold that was forced upon my soul.

Was I homesick?
Negative. I don’t get homesick. I love to travel and experience new places in full.

Then what the heck was my problem?
How do you want to leave paradise?

A lesson that we all learn at some point in our lives. I already learned this – tis why I didn’t want to go on this trip in the first place but… if your heart is somewhere else – so are you.
My heart was breaking for my family and I was expected to go to another country and act like everything was peachy. That is the most fake thing I can possibly imagine and it irritates me /still\ that everyone made it out to seem like not a big deal.

To receive a collect call saying that Delaney stopped breathing and this may be her last night – while I’m off in another country with MTV on Spring Break? You’ve got to be kidding me. There is more to life people. More to life.

I hope you realize that the charade can only last as far as you are willing to manage and compromise yourself. You can only bend so far until you break. Don't EVER be afraid to stand up for yourself and break free from the shackles that bolt you into low expectations and tired dreams.