Thursday, March 26, 2009

Did we ever REALLY leave middle school?

Good Question.

-more on what I mean later tonight.


Ok - I'm back.

So, I'm going to take a moment to laugh at myself. I posted that I would explain what I meant by the above statement.. but I never did.
What I did do - was verbally have a discussion of this to friends and in that, I vented the topic out of my system. I forgot that I agreed to transpose those thoughts into text. My bad.

Basically, the sociologist in me has been on overdrive lately. I've always been fascinated by crowd mentality and inter social relationships. Why do people gravitate towards other people? Is it just because of circumstance or is there something more? Is there a motive? A need? An attraction of personality? Fate?

I have my own answers and thoughts to each of those questions based on what I think about people and how we were created - and that's all good and jolly but where I get into feeling middle schoolish is when I come into situations where I notice what I like to call, "desperation for approval."

Why do people care about what others think of them?
Now, it's one thing to practice what you preach and want to be seen in doing so to set a positive spin on being a good role model but it's a completely other issue to want to do things on purpose to be seen or liked by a certain crowd.

Yet, we are all guilty of at some point - wanting to be accepted, liked and loved in such a way that we feel included/accepted. Again, that's ok - we all want to be loved... but some of us go to annoying measures of needy behaviors to accomplish those goals. My advice?

Be yourself and don't compromise what you believe/the Truth.

What have I learned over the years?
I have friends.
I have people that I like to be around.
I like to hangout with those people, given the opportunity.
I like to meet people and learn about them regardless of who there are.
If a friendship forms - awesome - nurture it, cherish it. Learn. Grow. Love.

Doing things just to be noticed, for the most part, is pretty lame in my opinion. I'm not talking about like a dude going out of his way for a girl to notice him.. bc that's different stuff all together... but I'm talking about straight-up making a dramatic scene into everything just for people to point a giant spotlight on your stage. This coming from someone who considers herself to be an entertainer of sorts, I know right?

I care about God and my goal is to live according to how we are called to live.
It's not about me.
I'm accepted by Him and I trust that I can be myself with the people I call friends/family.. that's legit.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

where are you now?

Where have I been lately?

Internally sorting through thoughts in my head.

I bit my tongue to keep from speaking.. bc everyone says, "emotions are fleeting" yet my emotions are grounded in over analyzed truths, so that's how I know such honesty is pure. God holds the clock that I wish that I held... but I have to let go and trust in His will instead.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


there are certain people that I owe this too.

thank you to all of my friends for being there for me, always.
i could name drop here but i dont believe in that.

if you are in my life, we are friends - you know who you are without me having to say a word.

the last week has rocked my world and a typical me thing to do would be to keep it all in and not tell anybody. thank you to those who heard my cry and followed up on it.. be it silent prayers or words of encouragement.. no words can express my appreciation and value of our friendships.

I am truly blessed.

Saturday, March 7, 2009


Ok, I just have to vent this out real quick.

Tonight I had a horrible experience at a local gas station.

I was just pumping my gas when some dude came over to where I was pumping the gas and he just... stood there, looking at me. Sketch.
I just ignored him as best as possible and kept on pumping my gas.
He walked away and then a few seconds later - one of the 3 guys throws a beer can at me. Yes, he threw a beer can at me and then said, "b*tch, pick that up."
Are you kidding me?

I bit my tongue, just stopped pumping gas - looked inside the store to see if there was a dude working or a girl, it was a young girl - So I started walked to my get in my car and then another one of the dudes starting yelling at me.

I can't even being to bleep out type the horrible things he said to me.
He basically told me things that I should do to him and where I should go.
It was graphic and it was pathetic.

I got in my car to avoid my talking back and starting more drama. I went to get their plate number but they drove off.

I almost feel violated.

Did that just happen?

Thursday, March 5, 2009


Girl sits at desk.
Girl gets phone call.
Girl stares at computer screen, perplexed.
Girl stutters in confusion to the person who called.
Girl breaks down.
Girl folds inward.
Girl feels alone. worthless. helpless. broken.

And then she is suddenly surrounded by love, kindness and scripture.
Girl realizes, she is not in this alone.
Girl realizes there should be no bitterness, just more faith.
Girl realizes that she is loved in ways she never understood before.
Girl realizes God blesses her through her unfortunate circumstance.

So this week has been rough to say the least.
In a matter of moments, I went from feeling great to feeling horrible.
When the nurse called me and told me vital information in an empty, curt tone - I felt as if I had been beaten and left bleeding on the curb. I know that seems a bit extreme but that's how I felt in that minute of time. There was nobody else in the world, just me. I guess my problem is stated in that sentence.
I could've written an entire bside disc filled with sadness. The feeling of, why doesnt anything ever work.

It's so hard for me sometimes to be positive about things I am a realistic about. I felt as if that phone call was a bad attempt to seal a fate that I dont agree with.

My heart crys when I flashback to thinking about the last time I saw my Dad's face. Flashing back to the pain he must've felt. Flashing back to a lot of things that I refuse to cheapen through text but just trust me... that is nothing that I want any of my family or friends to have to deal with as far as I am concerned.

I'm going to do what I have to.
Live my life as perusal and live according to what I believe.

God is in control... please remind me of that in my moments of weakness:
When I feel sick.
When I feel defeated.
When I feel bitter about being somewhat helpless.
When I feel like a burden.
Remind me, just remind me of the cross.

God is a healer.