Thursday, March 5, 2009

evaporated

Girl sits at desk.
Girl gets phone call.
Girl stares at computer screen, perplexed.
Girl stutters in confusion to the person who called.
Girl breaks down.
Girl folds inward.
Girl feels alone. worthless. helpless. broken.

And then she is suddenly surrounded by love, kindness and scripture.
Girl realizes, she is not in this alone.
Girl realizes there should be no bitterness, just more faith.
Girl realizes that she is loved in ways she never understood before.
Girl realizes God blesses her through her unfortunate circumstance.

So this week has been rough to say the least.
In a matter of moments, I went from feeling great to feeling horrible.
When the nurse called me and told me vital information in an empty, curt tone - I felt as if I had been beaten and left bleeding on the curb. I know that seems a bit extreme but that's how I felt in that minute of time. There was nobody else in the world, just me. I guess my problem is stated in that sentence.
I could've written an entire bside disc filled with sadness. The feeling of, why doesnt anything ever work.

It's so hard for me sometimes to be positive about things I am a realistic about. I felt as if that phone call was a bad attempt to seal a fate that I dont agree with.

My heart crys when I flashback to thinking about the last time I saw my Dad's face. Flashing back to the pain he must've felt. Flashing back to a lot of things that I refuse to cheapen through text but just trust me... that is nothing that I want any of my family or friends to have to deal with as far as I am concerned.

I'm going to do what I have to.
Live my life as perusal and live according to what I believe.

God is in control... please remind me of that in my moments of weakness:
When I feel sick.
When I feel defeated.
When I feel bitter about being somewhat helpless.
When I feel like a burden.
Remind me, just remind me of the cross.

God is a healer.

1 comment:

melissafennell said...

Kristie Flynn I just love you. And your honesty. Take heart, our hope endures!

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

It was great seeing you yesterday!!! :)