Wednesday, April 9, 2008

i'll be back

I am very aware of my MIA status as of late.
Deepest apologies - it'll never happen again.
Well, unless I get super busy... because then... it will most certainly happen again. Forgive me, Im honest.

I won't make broken promises because that isn't my style... but I will promise to catch you up on my thoughts and experiences.

Ex. I wrote this a few weeks back but it never got posted for some reason. IDK either.

I exist more comfortably in my environment now than I did a year ago at this time.

At this time last year…. I spent restless days and nights on a cold hospital floor pondering faith, love and if people really do have a purpose to the ‘so-called’ grander plan. Questions flooded my brain until my thoughts pulled me under a tidal wave of hypothetical notions. The nights I tricked myself to sleep… I would wake feeling as though I was washed up a distant shore. If I achieved rest, I felt it meant pleasure for the body and thusly, I felt guilty for allowing myself a healthy outcome when internally I felt so useless.

I had just come back from what should have proven to be the ‘best spring break of my ever' *insert trl style screams here* Well, I wish I could say that I enjoyed my all expense payed vacation to Cancun, Mexico. I wish I could tell you that I loved every minute of that all inclusive resort I called home for a few days. I wish I could tell you… well.. I wish I could tell you fun stories. Not the going to bed at 9pm or the sea sick day. Sure, I have a few things (refer back to me throwing up for an hour or so) but the majority of my time was spent starring into the crystal water with the warm sun beating down upon my troubled mind. The soft sand beneath my feet... unknowingly.. comforting my spring desires as I remained peaceful. In this moment, I realized what I wanted to do – go home - and break out of the mold that was forced upon my soul.

Was I homesick?
Negative. I don’t get homesick. I love to travel and experience new places in full.

Then what the heck was my problem?
How do you want to leave paradise?

A lesson that we all learn at some point in our lives. I already learned this – tis why I didn’t want to go on this trip in the first place but… if your heart is somewhere else – so are you.
My heart was breaking for my family and I was expected to go to another country and act like everything was peachy. That is the most fake thing I can possibly imagine and it irritates me /still\ that everyone made it out to seem like not a big deal.

To receive a collect call saying that Delaney stopped breathing and this may be her last night – while I’m off in another country with MTV on Spring Break? You’ve got to be kidding me. There is more to life people. More to life.

I hope you realize that the charade can only last as far as you are willing to manage and compromise yourself. You can only bend so far until you break. Don't EVER be afraid to stand up for yourself and break free from the shackles that bolt you into low expectations and tired dreams.

2 comments:

Daniella said...

FYI- I am sharing your current internet real estate. :) Your vents and my pseudo-literary ventures.

Mwah, love, love, love for my movie stah.

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