Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

"... because Christmas is the time of year where you tell people how you feel about them..."
-Jim Halpert, The Office.

It's about that time folks....

I honestly can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas Eve... it seriously blows my mind. I'm thinking about last year and where I was as a person and.. I've grown a lot since then. Again, grown "as a person" not in height. I'm still staggering around 5'3". Hey, good things come in small packages....no pun intended as it is the season of gifts. *giggle* <-- I had to!

Anyways, I hope that everyone has a great Christmas Eve/Christmas Day. I hope that something touches your heart in an unexpected but awesome way. Even a simple smile or a warm hug that no one wants to break. Embrace love this season. Time goes by too fast and life is too short to not notice what is important and special to you.

To say I have a lot of my mind right now could be the biggest understatement of the year but needless, I'm going home for a few days to sort out some stuff within myself. I'm dealing with a wintry mix of emotions. My heart is begging me to go one direction while my head is pleading me to do nothing of the sort.. for different reasons. Meanwhile... I'll cuddle close to blankets and sheets and hold onto these dreams...

----------------------------------------------------------
I tripped - I stood - I stumbled - I stood - then I fell and now I can't get back up....
and...
a part of me.... wants to keep falling.
I might be in trouble.
----------------------------------------------------------

DMB

Dear Mr. Matthews,
I can not tell a lie.
I honestly prefer your older albums.
My favorite would be -underthetableanddreaming-
So.. here is to better days of the band before your solo/bluegrass/not as awesome stuff came out.
Love always,
me.

Everything Happens for a Reason

.....

that's what I'm told

....

Falling Free at Record Speed

Sometimes song lyrics say things better than I have the ability to. Here is a song written by my good friend Joe. He is doing so great in his career. You should check him out. He is amazing. His name is Joe Wilson - he is from New Jersey - he is crazy talented on guitar and lyrical content.. and.. he is a super cool guy. He was in a band called "Feeling Left Out" but now he does solo stuff.

This is my current mood/feelings. I wont give more of myself away but I'm just ready for this step and I'm scared out of my mind to take it.

If you want to hear it, go to the unoffical myspace page and click on
Keep Me Company in the music list.
Keep Me Company
if you want his real pages just search, Feeling Left Out or Joe Wilson.
Your welcome...

it's kind of like smiling
similar to a mouthful of candy
it's like 3:00 on your last day of
school it's someone else's turn to play the fool

let's take a walk and let our feet just talk
let's reach for hands and hold hips where we stand

I'd like to introduce you to my eyes
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to dive into

i've let go of the past even before you asked
to ensure this ship sails smoothly you can be the wind
and guide this ship to a safer place than this

let's speak our words and exaggerate the absurd
show me your teeth and
promise to never stop smiling

I'd like to introduce you to my lips
they've been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have something to hold onto

I'd like to introduce you to my heart
it's been dying to meet you
now that you both have met
i have someone to write home to

it's ok if it's not a white Christmas
we can sleigh ride on the sand
we'll bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters just don't you let go of my hand

the scar remains

This weekend was fun.

Friday I had a job interview.. went well.. pretty much have it in the bag.. but I again, don't feel like it is a good idea. What is wrong with me? My mom told me that my Dad once did this kinda work and his words were, "don't ever sell when you only get commission." Well, unfortunately for me.... my Father is no longer here on this earth and I can't ask him questions. Sad.

The night got better. I went out with friends and had dinner, went to a bar, and saw I Am Legend. <-- (eh.. could've been better.. it ended to suddenly in my opinion) Either way, t'was fun times as always with the lexie crew.

Saturday I had a Christmas dinner party at my house. Yep, my house is the party house.. your welcome.. ha. It went well - I was pleased. The next party is a "Red Carpet" party. Hollywood club style.

Sunday - today - was alright. I slept half the day away.. simply because I finally had a chance to. I thought about a lot of things. Mainly the friendship that I miss so deeply. Even still, I got myself together and went to church with the bests - it was a great Christmas themed service.

Then we went to dinner - where at? - Ah yes, the place of my blog "parking lot goodbyes"
Yep, it was very painful at first. Not only that... but we parked in the same spot as the puddle of tears. One of my friends knew about it.. the other didn't - I didn't want to bring it up but when we first got there - I couldn't help but make a comment. I let it go as best as I could but it was awkward for me. Painful and a bit sad too. Then I thought to myself... look at the people you are with right now - in this exact moment.

There is a reason why I was there. Thusly proving what a rad guy told me last week... situations and people do not/will not define who I am as a person.

Needless, I focused on appreciating the people I love and had a chill time after that. A few more friends randomly showed up too.. proving more.. that I'm not alone in this.

"to love and be loved, I hope it's enough..."

Bright Eyes

If the video is too much for you.. please at least, appreciate the song.
It is one of my all time favorite songs and I've been listening to it a lot... lately.

Good job Bright Eyes for hosting some awesome lyrics:

"So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery"

isn't that the truth. ya gotta at least know something is there bc you cant/wont wait forever.. like winning the lottery.. chances being slim to none. It's great to know you are working towards something.. yep.. good times.



can you be in love with love?

<3

The Weight of it All

I just wanted to take a moment to thank a few of you for being awesome friends. Yesterday was a horrible day.. as much as I laugh and attempt to make the best of my conversation, it was still a rough day. There were some things/advice that I needed to hear and I got that last night. Today was not wonderful and I did spend many hours in bed... my head pounds... but.. it in no way matches the feelings of the day before. Tomorrow, tomorrow will be better. And as the week goes by - I will let the weekend take it's course and welcome in any new advances that may fall upon me. I climbed so far up the stairs.. just because I got knocked down a few steps doesn't mean I can't march right back up... faster.. and better.


Matt Nathanson - "Weight of it All"

I'm weak when you miss me
When you roll me on your tongue..
When you whisper me your best moves
I almost believe you
But you don't know me at all

I spent days stupid nailed to your floor
And i spent nights pushed against you
Trying to keep warm
But you don't know me at all.

Show me where the sun comes through the sky
I'll show you where the rain gets in
And i'll show you hurricanes
And the way that summer fades...
Underneath the weight of it all

I'm covered by lovers,
Who recite lines
Convinced their bodies
Are gonna save mine
But you don't know me at all..

You can lift me up to put me down again

Underneath the weight of it all
...the weight of it all

yearbook words and parking lot goodbyes

Avoid this situation if at all possible...

On the Verge

"I come undone, oh yes, I do.. just think of all the thoughts wasted on you. And every word you say, say something sweet... cause all I taste is blood between my teeth"
~Jack's Mannequin~

I guess it's for the best.

Wait.. does anybody ever really know what is best until best happens? I'm aware of how oddly stated that seems but you know what point I'm trying to make. Is "the best" something that comes from your personal sacrifices to reach a certain level of satisfaction? Is "the best" when you do all that you possibly can to fix something and hence you feel accomplished for your choices and steps taken.. to.. as a fun bonus.. make yourself happy within a situation?

Tonight I saw an amazing display of talent. Brilliant musicians entertained my spirit with inspiring song and praise. Makes one vulnerable to the surroundings. Emotions are interesting and I feed off of words and gestures.

There was an older couple sitting in front of me. I couldn't help but notice that in certain moments.. the man would put his arm around his mate. He rubbed her back and smiled.. almost with a sense of "the best" ... knowing that he was there for her... knowing that to her.. he was the one. She would then pull herself into him to show the same respect and love. They displayed the smallest/faintest of movement.. just so that one knew that the other was still there. If you blinked.. you would've missed it. How sweet and innocent.

How did they know that they were "the best" for each other. What hardships did they face and silent complications did they encounter before they knew that being friends, dating, getting married was.. "for the best"

Faith. Gotta love it and God.. may we all have a little of it.

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

Hey Friends,

As of late, I've had the weight of the world on my bruised shoulders and the feeling is nothing sort of painful. The cut was made and for reasons beyond my control... I continue to pick at the scar. Why do we do that? Why do I try so hard? The stresser that has kicked me in the gut lately is this on-going search for my place in this World aka.. a "good" job. I was finally offered something but now I don't want it.. what is wrong with me?

*raise your glass and toast to better days gone by and better days to come* Amen.

Another more recent - frustrating, nagging, constant (etc..) neon sign in my head - deals with something that I can no longer deny. Are you on the edge of your seat yet? I am. I'm not sure how to go about figuring out what certain things mean in my life right now. I'm left with a stain of awareness that deep down in my heart.. there are certain things that mean more to me that I was allowing myself to acknowledge. I don't like to take things for granted and this process of thought helps me stay focused in such regard.

Back to the heart... here are some questions I've been pondering today.

1)At what point is it ok to put yourself out there?

2)At what point is it ok to speak up on actions and own your behavior?

3)At what point do you realize what you do reflects your intention?

4) What do you do with these new realizations?

and lastly.. no pun intended...

4)When do you just - give - up?

And here I sit and I write. Emo if you want...

I'm Broke Cause You Spent Me

I waited for you

as long as I could,

but I won't waste my time...

on dreams that'll

never come true.

My attempts are in vain

if you pick loneliness over love.

yah, you stole a piece of my heart...

But keep it, im done.

So read my thoughts,

from start to end,

and let them haunt your rest..

cause baby -

you missed your chance

and you'll never have it again...

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out

Question: You know what I dig?
Fact: Holiday Movies

Here a few top favorites that Im ready to watch soon:
Christmas Vacation
Home Alone
The Grinch (Jim C version)
Christmas Story
Rudolf
The Santa Clause

It's times like these you want to cuddle up with a special someone, a cup of
hot chocolate, a warm blanket.. and just.. be merry.

<3

Jingle Bell Rock

It's that time of the year again... bring out your tacky sweaters and holiday best. Sing a Christmas carol or two and make some fresh, Christmas tree shaped cookies. Go on.. get nuts with lights and fake pine spray.

*wait*

Don't get too overwhelmed with "stuff" that you forget what Christ + mas means. It is my wish for you during this season that you think about the reason beneath the holly. If you are not religious, then I encourage you to explore the possibility some. Take this time of "feel goods" and "cozy fires" being around friends/family - and think about your purpose here on Earth. Ask questions, do research - but be aware that there is more to the hustle and bustle and those late night Christmas Eve shopping sprees.

Tell people how you feel. That's what I do. I make sure that in this time of being grateful for my life and for the life sacrificed for mine - I am thankful for those that have been placed in my path. Let the cool winter breeze refresh and awaken your senses. Be free and be aware. Decorate to get you in the spirit if you need to. Drink you some eggie noggie sure, but please also take joy in the quietness of dark evenings and candle light.

Here is something else I'd like you to keep in mind.. "new years resolutions" - yep, go ahead and start making them. If you wait until the last minute - under the pressure of it all - you will probably make "impulse decisions" (you most likely.. won't stick to them) Be serious about positive changes. You don't have to compare your resolutions to anyone else and you don't even have to share them. Own your thoughts, it's your life.

<3

Coheed and Cambria

Friday afternoon - me and my bestest guy friend ventured out into a ghost town in NC to attend what turned out to be a kickass concert. I bought him a ticket to the show as a birthday present and the day finally arrived!

After hanging/killing time in the local stores and near freezing to death.. we were finally allowed in the doors... to partake in a very interesting night, ha.

Here is what I learned from the "crowd" before my homeboyz rocked the stage... -If you are a 60yr old hic from the back country - high/passing joints around - drunk out of your mind - rude - sweaty - and downright vulgar... PLEASE do not come anywhere near me. You are the reason I roll my eyes and bite my tongue. I appreciate the lesson in patience.. but there comes a point.. ya know? Grow up.

Now that I got that out of my system.. ha! You... just.. you had to be there to be around this group of idiots.. that's the only way you could understand! Other than being pushed and elbowed a few times - Coheed rocked my face. I also appreciated my buddy blocking half the moshers from me and helping me see the stage when I could. Yep, sucks to be short!!

We made it back, late but safe - so all is well. Now I'm ready for another show. I would love to see Bayside again or Brand New/Taking Back Sunday. I'm just "in the mood" for that style of show...

ps and fyi: taco bell is good when in starvation mode.

<3

teardrops on my guitar

".. the only one that's got enough of me to break my heart.."

Ever go swimming in the ocean on a nice, warm, summer day?
You feel energized and refreshed as the cool water splashes against your thirsty skin…

Ever go swimming in the ocean and the moment you close your eyes a giant wave consumes you and before you know it, you can’t breathe… your eyes burn… you taste salt and despair... feeling alone and helpless…

Welcome to last night.

I ran into several people I knew last night when I ventured out on the town. One person I had not seen in 6 years, one person I had not seen in 2 years, another a mere month or two and another friend I just saw the day before. Did I mention I was there with none of those people.. I was actually there with some people I had only met an hour prior.

An interesting night to say the least.

Something felt odd about the night, I felt strange. Well, I outta trust my gut more because
the person that is currently disappointed in me and my life.. was there. I guess I walked by a large table of people and he was in the mix. Had I known, I would’ve just stayed outside to avoid any painful emotions. I saw him on leaving. He is someone that stands out and I always admired him for being such an individual. Too bad it’s harsh right now.

I ended up sitting down with 2 guys I went to school with just to catch up. One is engaged and the other is doing well. Time slipped by me and when I checked my cell phone, the texts were nothing short of happy.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s painful and it’s sick to care like I do. Pathetic at best to allow things out of my control to eat away at my sides. .sigh.. friendship means the world to me and the thought of loss is never easy to swallow. Makes me fear ever being in that place again.. but.. sigh..

youtube

Hey,

So my roommates and I have this thing where we like to scare each other but since Halloween ended.. we kinda stopped.. or I did.Well, my roommate Lyndsay told me that she heard strange noises coming from my room. We think someone tried to break into our house recently...so I thought she was just trying to freak me out. I walked into my room like.. "oh whatever"... didn't know she had a freaking camera on me.. and well.. you can see the rest..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIeF2o9-uY0

<3

Why We Fight, WGA

Shhhh

"..it's ok if it's not a white Christmas... we can sleigh ride on the sand...we'll bundle up in sweatshirts and sweaters... just don't you let go of my hand"
~feelingleftout~

If only life were as easy/simple/innocent as song lyrics make it seem.

Silence speaks volumes. Yes, I folded and I told.
Silence can do serious damage to your ear drums.
Maybe it's because in those moments of awkward silence.. you have no choice but to hear what is going on inside your own head. Helpless and in the zone, you are forced to pay attention to your thoughts whether you like it or not. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about reflection and down time but... sometimes silence is murder. At some point you have to reach within yourself and break the cycle.

I'm doing all I can to take my own advice. I'm doing all I can to be better than someone who doesn't care. I do care. A lot. I'm not afraid and yet I am terrified of breaking down my walls. My walls are built pretty high and through the years.. I become more against letting people inside the fort. It hurts to open up when you have no idea if that door will be shut in your face.

I've done the cookie cutter sweetness but sometimes the recipe calls for a lil salt and spice. Why do I word things like that? lol What I mean is.. I dance around issues in a happy-go-lucky light more than hitting such issues directly because usually that calls for serious tone and nobody wants that. Forgive me. I can't seem to shake the silence.

<3

get down with the sickness

Hey,

I'm at home today.. sick.
The mack-truck of germs hit me yesterday morning and I'm in recovery.
I've gotta get better because when I get sick.. I tend to stay sick for a long time. I have a very weak immune system. (I don't recommend that to anyone) I took a trip to for some vitamins and medicine last night so hopefully that will kick in soon and help combat the sickness.

As for now, I sit and watch abc family programing and catch up on youtube music videos.
I'm so used to waking up going to work that I did have that little kid feeling today of "being sick and staying home.. watching cartoons and the price is right" - all the things that make being sick so cool. Well, I may/may not be watching the price is right and lounging in my pjs. Just saying. I only wish my Mom was here to bring me my meds on the hour.. I tend to forget when I am supposed to take my next pill. Growing up.. good times.

*cough*

<3